Gift Exchange

This year I took my time deciding what i was going to get Emilie and Nancy. It gets harder every year trying to figure out what to get them. As i looked through catalogs and the mall i couldn't find much for Nancy and only a few things stood out for Emilie. I would point out to my mom "This would be perfect for Kenzie" or as i walked through the mall and gazed at something in the window. "Kenz would have loved this!". It was a weird feeling though. Knowing that whatever item that was would have been so perfect for her. A brief idea of buying it and sticking it at the bottom of her cross comes to mind but that just wouldn't work. Someone else would enjoy that item more then Kenzie's cross would. I remember last year wandering through the mall shopping for Emilie, Nancy, and Kenzie. Nancy has always been more picky so she was the easiest. I knew what she would like. Buy it and them bam... done with Nancy. Emilie and Kenzie were harder. They liked everything. You point out something... "Oh that's cool" or "Oh!! I LOVE THIS!" to every single thing! So then i wouldn't know what they liked the most. As I looked around i settled with a coach wallet for Nancy, 1000000 pairs of fuzzy socks for emilie and kenzie i didn't know what to do. I was still in the purse section from getting Nancy's gift and I texted kenzie.. "What do you want.. Something big without brand name or small with brand name" She replied big with no brand name. I ended up getting her a Tommy Hilfiger purse. I remember pondering over her favorite colors and which purse had the most in it. Makenzie then texted me " Where are you" I replied saying the mall.. She responded "Oh well that narrows it down!" So this year Nancy, Emilie, and I didn't exchange gifts as school like usual. We all went to Nancy's house and gave each other our gifts. I remember last year Makenzie gave the 3 of us red/green fuzzy socks that tied at the top along with some pretzels dipped in chocolate. I tried one and she said "if you don't like them i will eat them".. I liked them. I know i won't be getting that text early tomorrow morning saying Merry Christmas! I wonder what Christmas will be like for her in heaven this year. I wonder if it's like how we celebrate Christmas here or is it going to be one massive birthday party.. Does heaven use the colors green and red to represent Christmas? Hmmm...

Merry Christmas Makenzie!

Menu?

Nancy, and I have this love for Gringos. My love for it has now worn off because i swear the recipe for the chips has changed. Anyway, Makenzie had never been to Gringos and she always said she wanted to go. One day after school she didn't have dance for once. My mom picked me up and Makenzie came along. We discussed wear to eat and i was like GRINGOS!! Makenzie quickly became excited because for 1 it was food and 2 it was what Nancy and I always talked about. When we arrived Makenzie's eyes quickly found the free ice cream machine but she didn't rush over to it immediately. When we were seated i remember her being so friendly to the waiter. I thought to myself that waiters must love bubbly polite people like this. Makenzie gave him her drink order. When he returned with her drink she said said "thank you so much you are amazing." When he asked what we wanted Makenzie quickly interrupted and said "by any chance do you have a menu i can have?" The waiter looked kinda confused. Makenzie had told me she was going to ask for a menu but i didn't really believe her. The waiter went away to ask the manager if there were any old menus this girl at his table could have. Makenzie explained to my mom and me that her mom collected menus and hung them on the wall in their kitchen. She didn't have one from gringos! I thought Makenzie had wanted a take out menu or something but no.. she wanted the entire clear case with the menu inside. I laughed. The waiter returned and said sorry I can't give you one but here are a few take home menus. Makenzie took them when we left but she still wanted the menu. I found that highly amusing. When we finished eating Makenzie's first stop was the ice cream machine. She wanted swirl but she didn't notice that was right beside the chocolate and vanilla lever. I looked at her and she filled her cone with half chocolate and half vanilla. I then pointed out the swirl lever and she laughed. haha I miss her.

Trust in You

As i sit here in the dark reading Caitlin Cannon's blog i stumbled upon her post that contained the song played behind the funeral section of Cara's dance dedicated to Makenzie. It's called Sigur 3 by Sigur Ros. I remember vividly hearing everyone sniffling behind me and noticing Nancy, Jenna, and Emilie beside me crying, looking to the dance floor and seeing the dancers crying. Caitlin says to her this song is what heaven sounds like. I don't really know if that is what heaven sounds like but it is now a comforting tune that reminds me of every one's tears for Makenzie. The comforting part being that i know no one will forget her. This song however reminds me of the hardest thing i have ever been through. I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and getting a call on my phone. I looked at it said Makenzie calling. I answered it. It was the first time i had talked to Mrs. Stocker since the accident. I hadn't visited. I didn't know what i was suppose to say. She asked me if i wanted to come to Crowder Funeral Home in 30 mins to see makenzie before the viewing the next day. I said yes. I then called Emilie and Nancy and we all met there, outside the funeral home. We walked in together and our parents followed behind us. When we went inside we hugged Pastor Stocker and Mrs. Stocker and then joined in prayer. Along with Emilie, Nancy, and I was Geo, Mitchell, and Lindsy. Mrs. Stocker told us that she wanted us to be strong at the viewing and that seeing Makenzie before the actual viewing might help us. Before entering the room with Makenzie she reminded us that is was only Makenzie's shell. She wasn't there anymore. She was in heaven. What we were going to see wasn't her. Nancy, Emilie, Me held hands as Mrs. Stocker led us down the aisle towards the open casket. Emilie, Nancy and I stood there crying beside Makenzie for about 2 hours. I held Mak's hand. It was so weird. Mrs. Stocker told us that this was literally what Makenzie's hand felt like in Minnesota during the winter. As we looked at Makenzie, we knew she wasn't there. Her face would have had a smile on it and she wouldn't have sat still for that long of a period, she was too jumpy. It was indeed only her shell and she was with Jesus. It was the hardest and most comforting thing i have ever felt. (Talking about this is even harder then the actual moment of finding out Makenzie had passed.) I knew she was with Jesus. She was living somewhere better now. Better then we could possibly imagine. And Mrs. Stocker was right. Those last 2 hours i got to spend with Makenzie's shell, holding her hand helped sooo much. It helped Emilie and Nancy too. It gave us a sense of closure we needed. We didn't hardly cry at the actual viewing. Those 2 hours were the hours I made myself believe that Jesus really was real. I wasn't going to question it anymore. Sure, i would still question but i was going to put my trust in Jesus and continue to question and not just question by itself. Makenzie believed in heaven. That's where she went and i couldn't imagine it any other way. As i write this blog i am listening to Sigur Ros 3. It just fits the moment.

Youtube Sigur 3

Thankful for Makenzie

So, it's really hard to bring me to tears through just reading. When I read Ecuador – Day 5: “Kellie’s Perspective”today it made me almost come to tears. Not quite but pretty close. I am not sure how i would react if I was actually in Ecuador but from right here in my comfy little red chair i get sooo irritated looking at the Stocker's pictures and not seeing Mak in them. Everything pastor Todd and Mrs. Stocker write about Makenzie would have loved doing!! I get so angry that she wasn't able to go. Why couldn't she have been able to travel to Ecuador before the accident and when she got back I could have sat at lunch diagonal from her like i always did and listen to her go on and on about each individual child. Makenzie's smiling face was awesome and I would always try to respond to whatever she was saying and it just wouldn't make sense because i would put the words in the wrong order or something stupid like that. She would then exchange glances with Emilie and Nancy and then they would all burst out laughing together at the same time. Nancy squinting her eyes, Emilie giving herself whiplash, and makenzie snorting. I want to experience that moment so badly. Why did Makenzie have to pass away? What did she do wrong? Today is thanksgiving though. And what i immediately thought of was Makenzie. Makenzie's death has made me so much more thankful for the lives of my friends and families. What a stinky way to realize how important everyone is... But even my friends in Maryland now get random text about 3 am saying "I love you and you mean mucho to me!!". I don't think they quite understand it.

Makenzie's drawings for thanksgiving in my assignment book

Emilie and Nancy do though. My MD friends haven't experienced what I have but I think they now realize that this can happen to their friends in MD as well. Death is more real. My friend Amanda in MD has gone to the LSA website and saw Makenzie on one of the pages. I didn't even have to point her out. Amanda responded with "I feel like i know the girl!" I also know that my friends in MD have told their mom's about Makenzie and there have been tears shed for Makenzie from people that didn't even know her. I remember having my friend in TX when i still lived in MD telling me about how one of her friends was killed standing at a stop sign near Klein Highschool. I felt sooo bad for her and i remember thinking I can't imagine this happening to any of my friends. It did. Anyway, I am thankful for my friends and everyone else more then i ever have been before! I also just realized this is the most random, unorganized thing i have ever written. Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Love ya!

I had thought for a while now that all of my kenzie related things were gathered into my old physics binder. Somehow that saddened me. Thinking i wouldn't find any more Kenzie doodles or her common phrase written on every ones Bible's, notebooks, homework etc "Love ya!". I walked into my closet to begin cleaning it and the first thing i pick up was a card on the floor. As I am about to toss it into the trash can i open it and it says "Love ya Katie Davis! <3 Kenzie". I smiled and began to think maybe I am glad i never cleaned my closet. I might have quite a few more Kenzie items hidden in there underneath all of my schoolwork from years past. Truth is.. she wrote on everything so i have no idea how long cleaning my closet will take. I don't want to throw anything away that she wrote on, but going through my closet one item at a time to find every little "love ya" message is worth it to me.

The Stocker's chapel

Yesterday, the Stockers flew in from Minnesota and did Chapel at LSA. I had been looking forward to this since they came to Senior Retreat at Carolina Creek. They stopped by in Houston before heading to Ecuador to finish the shoe drive Makenzie had started last year. She collected shoes and pestered every individual at LSA to bring shoes in. She reminded me everyday and would say "Katie, i have been to your house. I have seen your closet downstairs. Bring your shoes!" She knew i never wore any of them. I would explain to her that i had an emotional connection to them. She would roll her eyes, smile, and walk away. I had always planned to bring in shoes for her for i never remembered. Anyway, the chapel was amazing. They talked about going to Ecuador and sang songs that Makenzie used to sing everyday at Chapel. I was determined not to cry but i failed. As soon as I noticed tears running down Nancy's face beside me i gave in. Chapel was just like it use to be. Pastor Todd lead it. Mrs. Stocker would speak for short periods of time. Lindsy would play guitar, Kyle would play the drums, Emilie would sing. Except this time it wasn't Makenzie singing up there with Emilie. It was Mrs.Stocker, Nathan, and Maddie. Emilie told me that she loved singing with them yesterday. She said it was almost like the old times. It was amazing and the student body participated in it like they used too. We knew the songs so everyone sang. Anyway, after chapel I missed bible study. Along with Nancy and Emilie and just sat with the Stockers. Maddie, Emilie, Nancy, and I ended up taking tons of pictures with Maddie. Maddie makes the same faces in pictures that Kenzie used to make. =] Seeing Mrs. Stocker and recognizing the familiar facial expression that Kenzie made were comforting. Just seeing them in general makes me happy. When they left, I was sad again but really glad i saw them. Anyway, they are in Ecuador now to drop off all the shoes Makenzie collected last year. Mrs. Stocker has already uploaded pictures from the first day and it looks amazing!! I really wish Makenzie was able to go with them. I still remember her running up to me in front of the office at LSA and saying " I am going to Ecuador!!!" I responded with "By
yourself?" She answered "No, silly". She told me that her mom would be going with her. Anyway, keep praying for the Stockers and for there trip to go smoothly!!!

Like A Rose

The white rose seems to have become Makenzie's flower. I am not exactly sure how this happened but it has something to do with Mr. Baacke's rose chapel. Mr Baacke read this in Makenzie's memorial service.

"Many of you remember the rose chapel from the fall of 2007. We used white roses to symbolize the forgiveness and newness that God gives us every day. At the end of that
chapel every HS student received a white rose. I want to read a passage from Rob Bell. It’s the words I used to end that chapel....

“Life is messy. Gut wrenching. Risky. Things don’t always turn out well. Sometimes they don’t turn out at all. Sometimes everything falls apart & we wonder if there’s any point to any of it. We’re tempted to shut ourselves off, fortify the walls around our hearts, and forge ahead, promising ourselves that we will never open ourselves up like that again. But I have to believe that we can recover from anything. I have to believe that God can put anything, or anyone, back together. I have to believe that the God who Jesus invites us to trust is as good as He says He is. That God is loving. Forgiving. Merciful. Full of grace. And I have to believe that God does not run out of roses.” I think it’s totally cool to see white roses in the arrangement on Makenzie’s casket." -Mr. Baacke.

Today, above my Makenzie memorial board lies the white rose Mr. baacke gave out during that chapel our freshman year. In Nancy's room above the frame of her and Kenzie lies the white rose. The rose now symbolizes her. I looked at pictures the other day of Kenzie dancing that i hadn't seen before. In some pictures Makenzie had white roses. I thought that was soooo cool! Also, the dance that took place at RAFA in memory of Makenzie used white roses in the dance. White rose petals were tossed in the air and a single white rose was placed in Devin's arms. (Devin represented makenzie's body) Nancy, Joe, and I the other day when to Makenzie's cross at the intersection. White roses are tied up behind her cross along with some other white roses on the ground. At Nancy's we picked roses from her backyard and took them to put on Kenzie's cross. I brought 3 roses along with 1 white rose. The white rose meant more to me then the other 3.