Love of Obama

So as many of you know Makenzie was not Obama's biggest fan. I just realized it's been over a year since he became president. I clearly remember our History teacher sharing his views on Obama and Makenzie laughing and agreeing. Then again, i think Catherine and myself were the only ones in the room that liked him. Whenever Obama came up in a conversation I would immediately try to defend him with the limited information i knew. Makenzie would tell me we couldn't be friends anymore. (jokingly). I remember the inauguration. Our school got to watch it live and students were split up into different rooms to watch it. Makenzie and I were both put together in the same room. We made our way to Mr. Benson's room and Makenzie was going off about how America was making a mistake. (Thank goodness it was Obama over Hillary though. She would have never stopped talking if she got it) I knew she would be talking to me the entire period. We sat down together and I remember the lights going off. Makenzie and I both were scared that some bad guy would do something or hurt Obama in some way. The memory that stands out to me was Makenzie talking the whole time (quietly) about the lady that sang with a big bow in her head. Or maybe it was a bow on her dress. Either way I am pretty sure she was talking to me but i just fell asleep. I didn't plan that but i did. When class was over Makenzie kept talking about the bow and that she didn't like the singing. She was so irritable about him becoming president but when we left i don't think she even mentioned him, only the lady with the bow.

When do i stop?

I have started wondering within the last 3 or 4 months if people get annoyed when I bring up Makenzie. I don't want to annoy people but in everyday conversations with people i reference my friends such talking to Sam today about all the names the police have. He named po po and i said "Oh i know! Nancy calls the police the po po." Things like that. Everything i talk about with people I tend to relate to my friends. Nobody thinks anything of it if i say things about Nancy or Emilie but if i relate something to Makenzie it seems to make everything awkward. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish people wouldn't try to not bring her up around me anymore. I am okay with it now. I am used to the fact that she isn't here. I miss her like crazy but i am strong enough now not to cry at every mention of her. I like relating things to her. It makes it seem like she was just here with me not that long ago. It's something Makenzie used to do or something Makenzie used to say. It really doesn't mean we have to change the topic. I was just pointing something out. However, when i do feel sad about her now or bring her up with people in school that aren't my best friends I am thinking "are they just plain sick of hearing about Makenzie?" I don't want to annoy people but to be honest, I still think about Makenzie just as much as I did a month after she passed away. I am just not as emotional now. I also don't want people to think i have forgotten about makenzie so i do want to bring her up but at the same time i don't want to annoy people. Haha this is becoming a constant thought of mine.

2010

The last day of December i think i mentioned Makenzie more then i have in one day in quite some time. I kept thinking that i would never see Makenzie in 2010. That new application on facebook.... My year in photos? I think that's what it's called. My friends have done it and in some of them Makenzie shows up in them. She was part of my year. She could be in my "year in photos". There isn't a chance that she will show up in it if they have it again at the end of 2010. I know i wouldn't be seeing Makenzie much this year if she really did end up doing what she had planned too. Working in Disney World for the second semester of senior year. But it still hurts knowing she isn't even going to even be in Disney World. I know she was going to return to receive her diploma with me on the very same night though. She won't be taking the diploma in her own hands. Instead it will be her mom or dad. I thought Makenzie was never part of my senior year but i remember getting a text from her the day after the seniors of 09 graduated. She said we are seniors!! I responded with "Nicole says we aren't until we enter the first day of our senior year". Makenzie responded with a "whatever, we are!." So if i go by that... Makenzie participated a few days in my Senior Year. Anyway, read her dad's blog about Makenzies 09 resolutions. It's amazing.

http://toddstocker.wordpress.com/2010/01/01/i-want-to-witness-a-miracle/

Gift Exchange

This year I took my time deciding what i was going to get Emilie and Nancy. It gets harder every year trying to figure out what to get them. As i looked through catalogs and the mall i couldn't find much for Nancy and only a few things stood out for Emilie. I would point out to my mom "This would be perfect for Kenzie" or as i walked through the mall and gazed at something in the window. "Kenz would have loved this!". It was a weird feeling though. Knowing that whatever item that was would have been so perfect for her. A brief idea of buying it and sticking it at the bottom of her cross comes to mind but that just wouldn't work. Someone else would enjoy that item more then Kenzie's cross would. I remember last year wandering through the mall shopping for Emilie, Nancy, and Kenzie. Nancy has always been more picky so she was the easiest. I knew what she would like. Buy it and them bam... done with Nancy. Emilie and Kenzie were harder. They liked everything. You point out something... "Oh that's cool" or "Oh!! I LOVE THIS!" to every single thing! So then i wouldn't know what they liked the most. As I looked around i settled with a coach wallet for Nancy, 1000000 pairs of fuzzy socks for emilie and kenzie i didn't know what to do. I was still in the purse section from getting Nancy's gift and I texted kenzie.. "What do you want.. Something big without brand name or small with brand name" She replied big with no brand name. I ended up getting her a Tommy Hilfiger purse. I remember pondering over her favorite colors and which purse had the most in it. Makenzie then texted me " Where are you" I replied saying the mall.. She responded "Oh well that narrows it down!" So this year Nancy, Emilie, and I didn't exchange gifts as school like usual. We all went to Nancy's house and gave each other our gifts. I remember last year Makenzie gave the 3 of us red/green fuzzy socks that tied at the top along with some pretzels dipped in chocolate. I tried one and she said "if you don't like them i will eat them".. I liked them. I know i won't be getting that text early tomorrow morning saying Merry Christmas! I wonder what Christmas will be like for her in heaven this year. I wonder if it's like how we celebrate Christmas here or is it going to be one massive birthday party.. Does heaven use the colors green and red to represent Christmas? Hmmm...

Merry Christmas Makenzie!

Menu?

Nancy, and I have this love for Gringos. My love for it has now worn off because i swear the recipe for the chips has changed. Anyway, Makenzie had never been to Gringos and she always said she wanted to go. One day after school she didn't have dance for once. My mom picked me up and Makenzie came along. We discussed wear to eat and i was like GRINGOS!! Makenzie quickly became excited because for 1 it was food and 2 it was what Nancy and I always talked about. When we arrived Makenzie's eyes quickly found the free ice cream machine but she didn't rush over to it immediately. When we were seated i remember her being so friendly to the waiter. I thought to myself that waiters must love bubbly polite people like this. Makenzie gave him her drink order. When he returned with her drink she said said "thank you so much you are amazing." When he asked what we wanted Makenzie quickly interrupted and said "by any chance do you have a menu i can have?" The waiter looked kinda confused. Makenzie had told me she was going to ask for a menu but i didn't really believe her. The waiter went away to ask the manager if there were any old menus this girl at his table could have. Makenzie explained to my mom and me that her mom collected menus and hung them on the wall in their kitchen. She didn't have one from gringos! I thought Makenzie had wanted a take out menu or something but no.. she wanted the entire clear case with the menu inside. I laughed. The waiter returned and said sorry I can't give you one but here are a few take home menus. Makenzie took them when we left but she still wanted the menu. I found that highly amusing. When we finished eating Makenzie's first stop was the ice cream machine. She wanted swirl but she didn't notice that was right beside the chocolate and vanilla lever. I looked at her and she filled her cone with half chocolate and half vanilla. I then pointed out the swirl lever and she laughed. haha I miss her.

Trust in You

As i sit here in the dark reading Caitlin Cannon's blog i stumbled upon her post that contained the song played behind the funeral section of Cara's dance dedicated to Makenzie. It's called Sigur 3 by Sigur Ros. I remember vividly hearing everyone sniffling behind me and noticing Nancy, Jenna, and Emilie beside me crying, looking to the dance floor and seeing the dancers crying. Caitlin says to her this song is what heaven sounds like. I don't really know if that is what heaven sounds like but it is now a comforting tune that reminds me of every one's tears for Makenzie. The comforting part being that i know no one will forget her. This song however reminds me of the hardest thing i have ever been through. I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and getting a call on my phone. I looked at it said Makenzie calling. I answered it. It was the first time i had talked to Mrs. Stocker since the accident. I hadn't visited. I didn't know what i was suppose to say. She asked me if i wanted to come to Crowder Funeral Home in 30 mins to see makenzie before the viewing the next day. I said yes. I then called Emilie and Nancy and we all met there, outside the funeral home. We walked in together and our parents followed behind us. When we went inside we hugged Pastor Stocker and Mrs. Stocker and then joined in prayer. Along with Emilie, Nancy, and I was Geo, Mitchell, and Lindsy. Mrs. Stocker told us that she wanted us to be strong at the viewing and that seeing Makenzie before the actual viewing might help us. Before entering the room with Makenzie she reminded us that is was only Makenzie's shell. She wasn't there anymore. She was in heaven. What we were going to see wasn't her. Nancy, Emilie, Me held hands as Mrs. Stocker led us down the aisle towards the open casket. Emilie, Nancy and I stood there crying beside Makenzie for about 2 hours. I held Mak's hand. It was so weird. Mrs. Stocker told us that this was literally what Makenzie's hand felt like in Minnesota during the winter. As we looked at Makenzie, we knew she wasn't there. Her face would have had a smile on it and she wouldn't have sat still for that long of a period, she was too jumpy. It was indeed only her shell and she was with Jesus. It was the hardest and most comforting thing i have ever felt. (Talking about this is even harder then the actual moment of finding out Makenzie had passed.) I knew she was with Jesus. She was living somewhere better now. Better then we could possibly imagine. And Mrs. Stocker was right. Those last 2 hours i got to spend with Makenzie's shell, holding her hand helped sooo much. It helped Emilie and Nancy too. It gave us a sense of closure we needed. We didn't hardly cry at the actual viewing. Those 2 hours were the hours I made myself believe that Jesus really was real. I wasn't going to question it anymore. Sure, i would still question but i was going to put my trust in Jesus and continue to question and not just question by itself. Makenzie believed in heaven. That's where she went and i couldn't imagine it any other way. As i write this blog i am listening to Sigur Ros 3. It just fits the moment.

Youtube Sigur 3

Thankful for Makenzie

So, it's really hard to bring me to tears through just reading. When I read Ecuador – Day 5: “Kellie’s Perspective”today it made me almost come to tears. Not quite but pretty close. I am not sure how i would react if I was actually in Ecuador but from right here in my comfy little red chair i get sooo irritated looking at the Stocker's pictures and not seeing Mak in them. Everything pastor Todd and Mrs. Stocker write about Makenzie would have loved doing!! I get so angry that she wasn't able to go. Why couldn't she have been able to travel to Ecuador before the accident and when she got back I could have sat at lunch diagonal from her like i always did and listen to her go on and on about each individual child. Makenzie's smiling face was awesome and I would always try to respond to whatever she was saying and it just wouldn't make sense because i would put the words in the wrong order or something stupid like that. She would then exchange glances with Emilie and Nancy and then they would all burst out laughing together at the same time. Nancy squinting her eyes, Emilie giving herself whiplash, and makenzie snorting. I want to experience that moment so badly. Why did Makenzie have to pass away? What did she do wrong? Today is thanksgiving though. And what i immediately thought of was Makenzie. Makenzie's death has made me so much more thankful for the lives of my friends and families. What a stinky way to realize how important everyone is... But even my friends in Maryland now get random text about 3 am saying "I love you and you mean mucho to me!!". I don't think they quite understand it.

Makenzie's drawings for thanksgiving in my assignment book

Emilie and Nancy do though. My MD friends haven't experienced what I have but I think they now realize that this can happen to their friends in MD as well. Death is more real. My friend Amanda in MD has gone to the LSA website and saw Makenzie on one of the pages. I didn't even have to point her out. Amanda responded with "I feel like i know the girl!" I also know that my friends in MD have told their mom's about Makenzie and there have been tears shed for Makenzie from people that didn't even know her. I remember having my friend in TX when i still lived in MD telling me about how one of her friends was killed standing at a stop sign near Klein Highschool. I felt sooo bad for her and i remember thinking I can't imagine this happening to any of my friends. It did. Anyway, I am thankful for my friends and everyone else more then i ever have been before! I also just realized this is the most random, unorganized thing i have ever written. Happy thanksgiving everyone!