Communication

I was given the honor this past week to give the Makenzie Stocker scholarship to a freaking awesome girl named Emily Rosenhagen. However, when I think back about giving the speech now there is so much more I could have added to it. I guess it was good the way it was though. I suppose if I had added more people might have gotten bored or restless. It wasn’t a Makenzie banquet after all. It just had a Makenzie part to it. I would have loved to go back and emphasis the importance of friendship and not taking it for granted. If I go back and just think about Makenzie I am not sad at all. I just think of memories with her and I am fine. However, if I go back to the moment of being told that Kenzie had been killed or having Emilie and Nancy crying on my bed with me, or those late night text messages from Emilie or Nancy saying “I miss her” or the endless text messages I received that day from random people telling me they were sorry about kenzie or if I think about the day before the viewing I will start crying immediately. It never fails. It’s amazing how one day all communication can be cut off without warning. I wonder if finding out about death in the old days was easier because there wasn’t texting and everything all the time so people wouldn’t notice the sudden lack of contact and communication as much. The night before I was texting her and then boom.. I couldn’t write her, call her, text her, see her, or even anticipate seeing her again in the near future to tell her things. The communication was just completely severed. I almost think that was one of the hardest things was just noticing that there was no way to communicate. And there is still no way to communicate. This is an obvious fact but it’s annoying. It's amazing how vulenerable we are. It's almost 2 years after the accident and i still get upset about not being able to communicate with her. I don't think i ever realized i was vulenerable to the loss of communication. 
On a different note i would like to know how many people Emilie and i told about Kenzie through the year. There were many people who would come into our room and see the pictures of makenzie on the wall and ask about her. They all probably got more information then they would like but by the end of the year all my friends could pick Makenzie out of a picture and the majority of them could give you her personality traits if you asked them. It's awesome. I can't help but wonder wheter Kenzie would be rooming with Emilie and I in our apartment next year. I feel like she would have been. Makes me wonder what would be happening differently if she was here still. 

Microphone

For my birthday i recieved a microphone charm in the mail from the Stockers for my birthday. Ever since they gave me Makenzie's charm braclet they keep giving me charms to add to it. It's awesome. However, i do feel guilty adding charms to it because i feel like it is making it less of Makenzie's and more of mine. The good thing is though is that every single charm that is on the braclet relates to both me and makenzie in some way. I wear the braclet often and for sure every time i have a important or meaningfull event to attend.

1. Lo I am always with you - This was the charm the stockers added for me before they gave it to me. To me it means that Kenzie is always with me as well as God.
2. 16 charm- Kenzie and i both celebrated our 16th birthdays
3. Microphone- Kenzie and i both sing
4. Music Note - music is something that defines both of us
5. Heart with cross - Makenzie drew crosses with a heart in the center of them all throughout my bible.
6. Snowflake - Kenzie and I both lived up north and experienced snow often. Her more so then me though.
7. 2010 - Kenzie and i were both class of 2010.
8. Ballet Slippers- Makenzie danced all the time. And Makenzie tried to teach me ballet once for wizard of oz and then decided it was useless.

JAMBA JUICE

For Christmas my sophomore year of highschool Makenzie gave Emilie, Nancy and I a 5 dollar gift card for Jamba Juice. I hate almost anything fruity tasting so i never even thought twice to try it. For the past 4 years that little happy looking Jamba Juice card with a smiling snowman on it has been sitting in my wallet. The other day when i went downtown with a few friends, Rayce had to use the bathroom. I told Rayce that I had a giftcard for Jamba Juice so i will buy something and you can use the bathroom. Turns out i didn't have the card with me. However, I tried Jamba juice for the first time ever. THAT STUFF IS AMAZING! I now know why Kenzie talked about it all the time. I got Strawberries forever. A week after i had to find the nearest Jamba Juice so i plugged in a address in my GPS and went driving away singing to Ingrid Michaelson. I bought a drink and used my card from Kenzie. I have 7 cents left on it now. I won't spend those cents so i make sure i can keep that card forever. Kenzie.... Thankyou for giving me that card otherwise i would never have found Jamba Juice.

Makenzie called?

So on November 30th i was in an alteration shop getting some new jeans hemmed for choir tour. While the lady was pinning up the fabric on my jeans my phone rang and i looked at it. It showed Makenzie's picture from Carolina Creek and above it stated "Kenzie Stocker calling". Passion was the next day so i figured Mrs. Stocker might have been calling me to tell me something. I thought to myself i will just call her back later. However, while the lady continued pinning up my pants it occurred to me that Makenzie's number was no longer within the Stocker family. Nathan had her phone for a short period of time but Nathan and Maddie have both received new phones since then. I texted Mr. Stocker to make sure the number wasn't still in the family and he replied with a no. I called back Kenzie's cell and it said the number hadn't set up a voice mail box yet. I then proceeded to text the number "Who is this?". I received no response. By this time my brain was being super creative thinking it was a message from god or something and that Kenzie had something to tell me and maybe i would hear her voice again. An hour later i received another call from Kenzie's number. I answered this time and it was an Indian man. He did not speak english and i tried to say hello? and who is this? and such but he just kept responding with a "no". I have no idea how this man got my number. I have a maryland number so the fact that he accidentally called my number is pretty impressive. You can imagine i was super let down after my brain had been thinking super hard for an hour creating every possible scenario. It was still so weird though. How did the person with Makenzie's number accidentally call my number out of all the numbers in the world?

Changes

I move into college in 12 days and everything seems to be changing. I feel like i am leaving so much behind. My parents are moving into a smaller house and i HATE change. Makenzie helped me with change when i moved to Texas. She would leave little messages in my assignment books next to my messages of I HATE TX. As i pack for college i am finding more of her little notes in old assignment book and such. With my parents moving i think to myself "Makenzie will never set foot in my new house" or i think but Makenzie spent the night in my house i live in now and swam in my pool. She won't do this in my new house. The room i fall asleep in every night currently she slept in before with me. Knowing that at the new house my parents move into won't have any Makenzie related memories makes me sad. As hard as it is for me to say. Her laugh isn't as clear in my mind anymore. Her responses to things that i would say aren't prominent in my brain. It's annoying. I am moving on with life and she isn't really coming with me and i can't create new memories with her and the ones i have are fading. I changed out the pictures in my black frames above my bed yesterday. No new pictures of Makenzie made it in but one of her came out. I left the one of just me and her together. It seemed rude to take it out. So every picture is from senior year and then there is 1 from freshman year with Makenzie. Her dad's blog is no longer just dedicated to her. And with everything going on right now i feel like am being forced to leave her behind and i am no ready too. I can still share her story with everyone. Emilie and I are both bringing our Makenzie collages to college with us to hang up in our room but the pictures seem old now. I can't help but want new ones of us.

Comfort

I know of this guy. One of his best friends died two days ago on the way home from a friends house. This wasn't a car accident. She was murdered. She was beaten badly and then put back into her car, dead. I can't imagine how i would handle this. The fact knowing someone PURPOSEFULLY killed my best friend is unimaginable. Knowing this girl was probably so scared when she died. It's just hard to think about. Makenzie was not purposefully killed. It was a accident. Much easier to forgive. Makenzie was also texting Wes and was perfectly happy when she passed away. I can't imagine dealing with knowing my friend was unhappy, scared, and in pain. Also, a guy at Lake died recently in his sleep. He was 18 and a only child. Seeing my friends mourn the loss brings me right back to terrible memories of me missing Makenzie. I have trouble comprehending the fact that someone who has passed away is happier then me. It confuses me. Right now, Nancy and Emilie are both out of town. I miss them like crazy and it's only been 7 days since i have seen nancy and like 4 since i have seen Emilie. I would even go more crazy if i couldn't text them and get daily updates on what they are doing. It makes me feel sorry for Makenzie. Knowing she can't have any contact with her best friends, parents, family, etc. But then i am reminded of the fact that she doesn't miss us. She is happier then me because she was a christian who met God face to face last year. She is overwhelmed with Christ i would assume and is doing nothing but glorifying him. Why would she sit up in heaven and cry about missing us if she is in the presence of Christ. She is happy. I just have to hope that (this guys) friend knew Christ and that his friend is happier then us too right now. It gave me comfort that Makenzie is happier then she ever was here and i hope (this guy) gets the same comfort when thinking about his friend because without that piece of information, i would have been a wreck.

Two Birthdays

8:08 pm on June 3rd 2009 was Makenzie Rebekah Stockers heavenly birthday. I sometimes wonder if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven. If they do then that much mean they would be celebrating on June 3rd rather then May 3rd (earthly birthday). It's weird thinking about getting a new birthday. Anyway, today many many people celebrated Makenzie's heavenly birthday. I like to use the word "celebrate" because that's what I should be doing. Somehow my "celebrating" means crying. I should be "celebrating" because Makenzie got a new birthday and maybe even she gets to celebrate two birthdays a year now! Wouldn't that be amazing if we got to have two birthdays a year without aging!?!? Sounds fantastic to me! Anyway, we all (massive group of students and a few teachers) went to the Anton's house to eat and gather, enjoy each other's company, and "celebrate" mak's life on earth and her rebirth in heaven. Now that i am thinking about it.. why do we look at those two dates side by side with the slash in the middle as a sad thing? Why don't we smile? It's not a birthday and a death day. It's the person's two birthdays! We should smile. Not cry. But anyways i randomly just thought of that and got of track. (You can tell i am not on my ADHD meds...) After hanging at the Anton's we all made our way down to Mak's cross. There were several flowers and random objects such as a wind up dinosaur there already. The Royal Academy of Fine Arts students all went down there this morning and released balloons with messages to Kenzie and left flowers. We got there and laid more flowers down. Took pictures, prayed, and sang. The weird thing for me was that I didn't cry. I teared up and a few tears flowed but I didn't cry. I almost felt bad for not crying but I guess i was actually "celebrating". I sat here and read all of the awesome comments everyone left on Makenzie's wall yesterday. I think Anna Rigby put it the best way. She said "I miss you more than a little facebook wall post could possibly express". I always look at Kenzie's wall and I try to think of something to write but the words i come up with never seem to do it justice. I think Makenzie knows how much we all love her. Why am I stressing over a silly little facebook wallpost? Anyway, LOVE YA MAK! I hope you had an awesome first birthday!