Communication

I was given the honor this past week to give the Makenzie Stocker scholarship to a freaking awesome girl named Emily Rosenhagen. However, when I think back about giving the speech now there is so much more I could have added to it. I guess it was good the way it was though. I suppose if I had added more people might have gotten bored or restless. It wasn’t a Makenzie banquet after all. It just had a Makenzie part to it. I would have loved to go back and emphasis the importance of friendship and not taking it for granted. If I go back and just think about Makenzie I am not sad at all. I just think of memories with her and I am fine. However, if I go back to the moment of being told that Kenzie had been killed or having Emilie and Nancy crying on my bed with me, or those late night text messages from Emilie or Nancy saying “I miss her” or the endless text messages I received that day from random people telling me they were sorry about kenzie or if I think about the day before the viewing I will start crying immediately. It never fails. It’s amazing how one day all communication can be cut off without warning. I wonder if finding out about death in the old days was easier because there wasn’t texting and everything all the time so people wouldn’t notice the sudden lack of contact and communication as much. The night before I was texting her and then boom.. I couldn’t write her, call her, text her, see her, or even anticipate seeing her again in the near future to tell her things. The communication was just completely severed. I almost think that was one of the hardest things was just noticing that there was no way to communicate. And there is still no way to communicate. This is an obvious fact but it’s annoying. It's amazing how vulenerable we are. It's almost 2 years after the accident and i still get upset about not being able to communicate with her. I don't think i ever realized i was vulenerable to the loss of communication. 
On a different note i would like to know how many people Emilie and i told about Kenzie through the year. There were many people who would come into our room and see the pictures of makenzie on the wall and ask about her. They all probably got more information then they would like but by the end of the year all my friends could pick Makenzie out of a picture and the majority of them could give you her personality traits if you asked them. It's awesome. I can't help but wonder wheter Kenzie would be rooming with Emilie and I in our apartment next year. I feel like she would have been. Makes me wonder what would be happening differently if she was here still. 

Microphone

For my birthday i recieved a microphone charm in the mail from the Stockers for my birthday. Ever since they gave me Makenzie's charm braclet they keep giving me charms to add to it. It's awesome. However, i do feel guilty adding charms to it because i feel like it is making it less of Makenzie's and more of mine. The good thing is though is that every single charm that is on the braclet relates to both me and makenzie in some way. I wear the braclet often and for sure every time i have a important or meaningfull event to attend.

1. Lo I am always with you - This was the charm the stockers added for me before they gave it to me. To me it means that Kenzie is always with me as well as God.
2. 16 charm- Kenzie and i both celebrated our 16th birthdays
3. Microphone- Kenzie and i both sing
4. Music Note - music is something that defines both of us
5. Heart with cross - Makenzie drew crosses with a heart in the center of them all throughout my bible.
6. Snowflake - Kenzie and I both lived up north and experienced snow often. Her more so then me though.
7. 2010 - Kenzie and i were both class of 2010.
8. Ballet Slippers- Makenzie danced all the time. And Makenzie tried to teach me ballet once for wizard of oz and then decided it was useless.

JAMBA JUICE

For Christmas my sophomore year of highschool Makenzie gave Emilie, Nancy and I a 5 dollar gift card for Jamba Juice. I hate almost anything fruity tasting so i never even thought twice to try it. For the past 4 years that little happy looking Jamba Juice card with a smiling snowman on it has been sitting in my wallet. The other day when i went downtown with a few friends, Rayce had to use the bathroom. I told Rayce that I had a giftcard for Jamba Juice so i will buy something and you can use the bathroom. Turns out i didn't have the card with me. However, I tried Jamba juice for the first time ever. THAT STUFF IS AMAZING! I now know why Kenzie talked about it all the time. I got Strawberries forever. A week after i had to find the nearest Jamba Juice so i plugged in a address in my GPS and went driving away singing to Ingrid Michaelson. I bought a drink and used my card from Kenzie. I have 7 cents left on it now. I won't spend those cents so i make sure i can keep that card forever. Kenzie.... Thankyou for giving me that card otherwise i would never have found Jamba Juice.

Makenzie called?

So on November 30th i was in an alteration shop getting some new jeans hemmed for choir tour. While the lady was pinning up the fabric on my jeans my phone rang and i looked at it. It showed Makenzie's picture from Carolina Creek and above it stated "Kenzie Stocker calling". Passion was the next day so i figured Mrs. Stocker might have been calling me to tell me something. I thought to myself i will just call her back later. However, while the lady continued pinning up my pants it occurred to me that Makenzie's number was no longer within the Stocker family. Nathan had her phone for a short period of time but Nathan and Maddie have both received new phones since then. I texted Mr. Stocker to make sure the number wasn't still in the family and he replied with a no. I called back Kenzie's cell and it said the number hadn't set up a voice mail box yet. I then proceeded to text the number "Who is this?". I received no response. By this time my brain was being super creative thinking it was a message from god or something and that Kenzie had something to tell me and maybe i would hear her voice again. An hour later i received another call from Kenzie's number. I answered this time and it was an Indian man. He did not speak english and i tried to say hello? and who is this? and such but he just kept responding with a "no". I have no idea how this man got my number. I have a maryland number so the fact that he accidentally called my number is pretty impressive. You can imagine i was super let down after my brain had been thinking super hard for an hour creating every possible scenario. It was still so weird though. How did the person with Makenzie's number accidentally call my number out of all the numbers in the world?

Changes

I move into college in 12 days and everything seems to be changing. I feel like i am leaving so much behind. My parents are moving into a smaller house and i HATE change. Makenzie helped me with change when i moved to Texas. She would leave little messages in my assignment books next to my messages of I HATE TX. As i pack for college i am finding more of her little notes in old assignment book and such. With my parents moving i think to myself "Makenzie will never set foot in my new house" or i think but Makenzie spent the night in my house i live in now and swam in my pool. She won't do this in my new house. The room i fall asleep in every night currently she slept in before with me. Knowing that at the new house my parents move into won't have any Makenzie related memories makes me sad. As hard as it is for me to say. Her laugh isn't as clear in my mind anymore. Her responses to things that i would say aren't prominent in my brain. It's annoying. I am moving on with life and she isn't really coming with me and i can't create new memories with her and the ones i have are fading. I changed out the pictures in my black frames above my bed yesterday. No new pictures of Makenzie made it in but one of her came out. I left the one of just me and her together. It seemed rude to take it out. So every picture is from senior year and then there is 1 from freshman year with Makenzie. Her dad's blog is no longer just dedicated to her. And with everything going on right now i feel like am being forced to leave her behind and i am no ready too. I can still share her story with everyone. Emilie and I are both bringing our Makenzie collages to college with us to hang up in our room but the pictures seem old now. I can't help but want new ones of us.

Comfort

I know of this guy. One of his best friends died two days ago on the way home from a friends house. This wasn't a car accident. She was murdered. She was beaten badly and then put back into her car, dead. I can't imagine how i would handle this. The fact knowing someone PURPOSEFULLY killed my best friend is unimaginable. Knowing this girl was probably so scared when she died. It's just hard to think about. Makenzie was not purposefully killed. It was a accident. Much easier to forgive. Makenzie was also texting Wes and was perfectly happy when she passed away. I can't imagine dealing with knowing my friend was unhappy, scared, and in pain. Also, a guy at Lake died recently in his sleep. He was 18 and a only child. Seeing my friends mourn the loss brings me right back to terrible memories of me missing Makenzie. I have trouble comprehending the fact that someone who has passed away is happier then me. It confuses me. Right now, Nancy and Emilie are both out of town. I miss them like crazy and it's only been 7 days since i have seen nancy and like 4 since i have seen Emilie. I would even go more crazy if i couldn't text them and get daily updates on what they are doing. It makes me feel sorry for Makenzie. Knowing she can't have any contact with her best friends, parents, family, etc. But then i am reminded of the fact that she doesn't miss us. She is happier then me because she was a christian who met God face to face last year. She is overwhelmed with Christ i would assume and is doing nothing but glorifying him. Why would she sit up in heaven and cry about missing us if she is in the presence of Christ. She is happy. I just have to hope that (this guys) friend knew Christ and that his friend is happier then us too right now. It gave me comfort that Makenzie is happier then she ever was here and i hope (this guy) gets the same comfort when thinking about his friend because without that piece of information, i would have been a wreck.

Two Birthdays

8:08 pm on June 3rd 2009 was Makenzie Rebekah Stockers heavenly birthday. I sometimes wonder if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven. If they do then that much mean they would be celebrating on June 3rd rather then May 3rd (earthly birthday). It's weird thinking about getting a new birthday. Anyway, today many many people celebrated Makenzie's heavenly birthday. I like to use the word "celebrate" because that's what I should be doing. Somehow my "celebrating" means crying. I should be "celebrating" because Makenzie got a new birthday and maybe even she gets to celebrate two birthdays a year now! Wouldn't that be amazing if we got to have two birthdays a year without aging!?!? Sounds fantastic to me! Anyway, we all (massive group of students and a few teachers) went to the Anton's house to eat and gather, enjoy each other's company, and "celebrate" mak's life on earth and her rebirth in heaven. Now that i am thinking about it.. why do we look at those two dates side by side with the slash in the middle as a sad thing? Why don't we smile? It's not a birthday and a death day. It's the person's two birthdays! We should smile. Not cry. But anyways i randomly just thought of that and got of track. (You can tell i am not on my ADHD meds...) After hanging at the Anton's we all made our way down to Mak's cross. There were several flowers and random objects such as a wind up dinosaur there already. The Royal Academy of Fine Arts students all went down there this morning and released balloons with messages to Kenzie and left flowers. We got there and laid more flowers down. Took pictures, prayed, and sang. The weird thing for me was that I didn't cry. I teared up and a few tears flowed but I didn't cry. I almost felt bad for not crying but I guess i was actually "celebrating". I sat here and read all of the awesome comments everyone left on Makenzie's wall yesterday. I think Anna Rigby put it the best way. She said "I miss you more than a little facebook wall post could possibly express". I always look at Kenzie's wall and I try to think of something to write but the words i come up with never seem to do it justice. I think Makenzie knows how much we all love her. Why am I stressing over a silly little facebook wallpost? Anyway, LOVE YA MAK! I hope you had an awesome first birthday!

The Year Mark

As i lay here on my couch. Tears begin to flow. Seeing the 6/3/10 on the TV screen started it all. I never knew a simple combination of numbers and slashes could make me cry. The weather is making everything worse. It is lightning, thundering, and pouring rain outside. I think of this as sadness but Joe tells me this is everyone in heaven celebrating from gaining such an amazing person on this day last year. Everyone is playing in the sprinklers, bowling, and dancing under disco balls. I prefer to think of it Joe's way. The amount of tears that will be shed tomorrow by everyone who knew Makenzie might equal the amount of rain we get tonight. But i digress. Today marks a year since Mak met Jesus. Even though at this exact time she would have been alive, i can't help but already start to tear up. People's words of encouragement make me feel good such as "I am thinking about you today" but they also make the tear ducts jump into action. I can't believe it's been a year. Well sorta. I feel like i haven't seen her in forever but i feel like June 4th and that awful morning were not that long ago. There has been so many Kenzie related events though. I don't know if all the kenzie events helped the mourning process or just carried it out longer. I still think about Makenzie all the time and i still bring her up in conservation daily. It saddens me now hearing music. I cannot distinguish between music that Kenzie knew and music that has came out since she passed away. I'll be singing and think to myself "Kenzie would love this song" then i wonder "wait, maybe she did know it". I can't believe i have now completed an entire year without talking to a best friend. I didn't know it was possible. There is so much i want to tell her. I want to hug her. Her bracelet brings be comfort and i squeeze it within the palm of my hand but it has nothing near the same effect as giving her a hug. I realize she is happier now and she doesn't feel saddened being apart from us but i wish she could have been here for graduation, prom, senior trip, etc. I feel like she has missed out on so much but yet i know i am the one missing out on the great time she is having in heaven. Not for one second would she choose between sitting on a bus for 25 hours to reach a fun place or just being in a fun place. It sounds like such a silly comparison. I just wish she could have experienced more stuff here on earth with me before taking that permanent vacation. I set my default picture on facebook to one of me and Mak. Just like everyone else. My status on facebook it about Makenzie. Just like everyone else. I guess this is all in honor of her and expressing our love for her but it just seems like it is not enough. That's my thoughts for the night. I will write tomorrow too after all of the Makenzie events take place. Love you Makenzie.

Makenzie Scholarship and The Bracelet

So i knew tonight was the night the Stocker's would hand out the Makenzie Scholarship. Applicants had to write a essay and i had submitted one quite a while ago. I couldn't wait for the Stocker's to hand out the scholarship. I was almost positive it would be Emilie so I didn't have my hopes to high. When the Stocker's went up they began to read the essay of one of the applicants. The essay was mine. I began crying immediately. I went up and received a certificate (two in fact. One that said Kathryn Davis and one that said Katie Davis. They didn't know which name i would prefer on it =]) Then they read a part of another essay and it was Olivia Hatch. And then part of another essay and it was Emilie Finke! I was sooo happy we all three got it. As if that wasn't enough to make my day..... Before i could even see the Stocker's they had left. So had Mitchell (Mak's old boyfriend). When i got in the parking lot my mom gave me a James Avery Bag. She said Mrs. Stocker gave it to her and she was sure i would recognize it. I opened the card first and i began to cry. I knew what was in the box. It was Makenzie's Bracelet. The one Mitchell gave to her for her 17th birthday. She wore it all the time and even had it on at her viewing. I immediately cried. With Mitchell's permission they gave it to me. They even added a charm for me. It says "and lo, i am, with you always". I don't think i have cried this much for a long long time. I am still overwhelmed and may add more to this later. I can not express in words how honored i am to have this. She loved this bracelet so much.

Thank you so much Stocker family and Mitchell. This is most likley the most cherished item i have. I can't express in words how awesome this is. Thank you

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today Makenzie slept over at my house for the first time.

A year ago today she was swimming in my pool

A year ago today she was keeping me awake all night watching pride and prejudice.

A year ago today she gave me my hermit crab (whom is still alive today).

A year ago today she was playing wii with me and making me watch the raving rabbid make it's funny noises.

A year ago today Makenzie volunteered to be the only one to sleep on the floor.
A year ago today she ran around my pool saying "French braiding time

A year ago today she farted on my bed and she turned around and looked at us and said "sorry guys".

A year ago today she slipped in my shower and got water in her eyes.

A year ago today she ate at Don Picos with me.

A year ago today she ate more cookie cake then anyone else.

A year ago today she told my mom that she was her "favorite-ist mom besides my own"

A year ago today she broke her owl necklace.

A year ago today she borrowed my shirt that says "shut up and ride". (I haven't worn it since)

A year ago today she pretended a bra was her eyes.

A year ago today she wore my bathing suit.

A year ago today she was laughing with me and setting her facebook status to "come percy we must be squeaky clean for the new world"

A year ago tomorrow she wished me happy birthday for the last time. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE DAVIS!!! Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear katie davis who is the most awesomest person ever.....errrrr.... happy birthday yo you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wish u were here Mak. You created the most memories out of anyone at my birthday party last year.

No texting in Heaven... or Australia

So... as many of you know Emilie has been in Australia for quite a long time now and it is getting to be very annoying. She left her phone here in Texas so she wouldn't be tempted to text us long distance. Soooo... she has dial up internet there so she rarely ever gets on facebook and when she does its when I am asleep here because of the time difference so I never know whats going on with her. It's starting to feel similar to went Mak passed away because no matter how many times i would text her phone i knew I wouldn't be getting a response. I am constantly texting Emilie about everything but i know i won't get a response any time soon. Well now i know i will because she is coming back in two days but really I miss Emilie soooo much now. However, I was very sad about Makenzie but I know i am seeing Emilie in a few days so i am not sad. Just missing her. Missing both of them.

Anyway, since i am on the topic of Makenzie and Emilie i thought i would tell a Makenzie, Emilie memory. Sooo... it was April Fools Day and Makenzie was super gullible. David and Emilie were best friends so Mak heard from someone that Emilie and David were dating. She got all excited and when she saw them later that day in the gym at play practice for the Wizard of Oz (David was just hanging out there) Mak confronted them. We all knew Mak and David weren't really dating, Emilie was the only un informed person. Later on Emilie found out and Em and David were very happy about how well their April Fools joke played out =] i am thinking about this and realizing this prbly isn't funny for anyone to read.. I think you had to be there but anyways it was amusing at the time. ( I don't remember all the details either because i didn't play a big role in this joke on Mak..I just watched it and was informed not to let Mak know it was a joke. When Emilie gets back hopefully she will add the details in a comment. If i just bring this joke up it makes her day haha)

Defying Age

So i have been having trouble recently coming up with new memories to write. I have plenty of memories I haven't written about but that's because they are so short I wouldn't be able to write much of anything. However yesterday I remembered a new one. So my mom has this thing for makeup that makes you look younger. She always buys it and then says it doesn't work. Then the next thing you know she has more makeup that makes you look younger. She has tons of this stuff. Anyway, she had bought two lip glosses that were supposed to make your lips look younger. She quickly deemed them useless and gave them to me. She had also complained that they were too sticky. She had opened one and the other one was still in the wrapper. I used one and also decided it was to sticky. I brought them to school with me the next day. I whipped them out of my bag and said does anyone want some age defying makeup? Makenzie being Makenzie jumped at the chance to get any free item. Annsley was the second one to jump up and ask for the second tube. Makenzie got the tested (more pinkish) color and Annsley got the redder color. I remember Ms. Geiger telling them to sit down. They both quickly applied their new lip gloss and Makenzie told me she loved it and it was going to make her look so much younger. That's about it for that memory but i do remember her having it in her purse with her a good while after I gave it to her.

Love of Obama

So as many of you know Makenzie was not Obama's biggest fan. I just realized it's been over a year since he became president. I clearly remember our History teacher sharing his views on Obama and Makenzie laughing and agreeing. Then again, i think Catherine and myself were the only ones in the room that liked him. Whenever Obama came up in a conversation I would immediately try to defend him with the limited information i knew. Makenzie would tell me we couldn't be friends anymore. (jokingly). I remember the inauguration. Our school got to watch it live and students were split up into different rooms to watch it. Makenzie and I were both put together in the same room. We made our way to Mr. Benson's room and Makenzie was going off about how America was making a mistake. (Thank goodness it was Obama over Hillary though. She would have never stopped talking if she got it) I knew she would be talking to me the entire period. We sat down together and I remember the lights going off. Makenzie and I both were scared that some bad guy would do something or hurt Obama in some way. The memory that stands out to me was Makenzie talking the whole time (quietly) about the lady that sang with a big bow in her head. Or maybe it was a bow on her dress. Either way I am pretty sure she was talking to me but i just fell asleep. I didn't plan that but i did. When class was over Makenzie kept talking about the bow and that she didn't like the singing. She was so irritable about him becoming president but when we left i don't think she even mentioned him, only the lady with the bow.

When do i stop?

I have started wondering within the last 3 or 4 months if people get annoyed when I bring up Makenzie. I don't want to annoy people but in everyday conversations with people i reference my friends such talking to Sam today about all the names the police have. He named po po and i said "Oh i know! Nancy calls the police the po po." Things like that. Everything i talk about with people I tend to relate to my friends. Nobody thinks anything of it if i say things about Nancy or Emilie but if i relate something to Makenzie it seems to make everything awkward. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish people wouldn't try to not bring her up around me anymore. I am okay with it now. I am used to the fact that she isn't here. I miss her like crazy but i am strong enough now not to cry at every mention of her. I like relating things to her. It makes it seem like she was just here with me not that long ago. It's something Makenzie used to do or something Makenzie used to say. It really doesn't mean we have to change the topic. I was just pointing something out. However, when i do feel sad about her now or bring her up with people in school that aren't my best friends I am thinking "are they just plain sick of hearing about Makenzie?" I don't want to annoy people but to be honest, I still think about Makenzie just as much as I did a month after she passed away. I am just not as emotional now. I also don't want people to think i have forgotten about makenzie so i do want to bring her up but at the same time i don't want to annoy people. Haha this is becoming a constant thought of mine.

2010

The last day of December i think i mentioned Makenzie more then i have in one day in quite some time. I kept thinking that i would never see Makenzie in 2010. That new application on facebook.... My year in photos? I think that's what it's called. My friends have done it and in some of them Makenzie shows up in them. She was part of my year. She could be in my "year in photos". There isn't a chance that she will show up in it if they have it again at the end of 2010. I know i wouldn't be seeing Makenzie much this year if she really did end up doing what she had planned too. Working in Disney World for the second semester of senior year. But it still hurts knowing she isn't even going to even be in Disney World. I know she was going to return to receive her diploma with me on the very same night though. She won't be taking the diploma in her own hands. Instead it will be her mom or dad. I thought Makenzie was never part of my senior year but i remember getting a text from her the day after the seniors of 09 graduated. She said we are seniors!! I responded with "Nicole says we aren't until we enter the first day of our senior year". Makenzie responded with a "whatever, we are!." So if i go by that... Makenzie participated a few days in my Senior Year. Anyway, read her dad's blog about Makenzies 09 resolutions. It's amazing.

http://toddstocker.wordpress.com/2010/01/01/i-want-to-witness-a-miracle/

Gift Exchange

This year I took my time deciding what i was going to get Emilie and Nancy. It gets harder every year trying to figure out what to get them. As i looked through catalogs and the mall i couldn't find much for Nancy and only a few things stood out for Emilie. I would point out to my mom "This would be perfect for Kenzie" or as i walked through the mall and gazed at something in the window. "Kenz would have loved this!". It was a weird feeling though. Knowing that whatever item that was would have been so perfect for her. A brief idea of buying it and sticking it at the bottom of her cross comes to mind but that just wouldn't work. Someone else would enjoy that item more then Kenzie's cross would. I remember last year wandering through the mall shopping for Emilie, Nancy, and Kenzie. Nancy has always been more picky so she was the easiest. I knew what she would like. Buy it and them bam... done with Nancy. Emilie and Kenzie were harder. They liked everything. You point out something... "Oh that's cool" or "Oh!! I LOVE THIS!" to every single thing! So then i wouldn't know what they liked the most. As I looked around i settled with a coach wallet for Nancy, 1000000 pairs of fuzzy socks for emilie and kenzie i didn't know what to do. I was still in the purse section from getting Nancy's gift and I texted kenzie.. "What do you want.. Something big without brand name or small with brand name" She replied big with no brand name. I ended up getting her a Tommy Hilfiger purse. I remember pondering over her favorite colors and which purse had the most in it. Makenzie then texted me " Where are you" I replied saying the mall.. She responded "Oh well that narrows it down!" So this year Nancy, Emilie, and I didn't exchange gifts as school like usual. We all went to Nancy's house and gave each other our gifts. I remember last year Makenzie gave the 3 of us red/green fuzzy socks that tied at the top along with some pretzels dipped in chocolate. I tried one and she said "if you don't like them i will eat them".. I liked them. I know i won't be getting that text early tomorrow morning saying Merry Christmas! I wonder what Christmas will be like for her in heaven this year. I wonder if it's like how we celebrate Christmas here or is it going to be one massive birthday party.. Does heaven use the colors green and red to represent Christmas? Hmmm...

Merry Christmas Makenzie!

Menu?

Nancy, and I have this love for Gringos. My love for it has now worn off because i swear the recipe for the chips has changed. Anyway, Makenzie had never been to Gringos and she always said she wanted to go. One day after school she didn't have dance for once. My mom picked me up and Makenzie came along. We discussed wear to eat and i was like GRINGOS!! Makenzie quickly became excited because for 1 it was food and 2 it was what Nancy and I always talked about. When we arrived Makenzie's eyes quickly found the free ice cream machine but she didn't rush over to it immediately. When we were seated i remember her being so friendly to the waiter. I thought to myself that waiters must love bubbly polite people like this. Makenzie gave him her drink order. When he returned with her drink she said said "thank you so much you are amazing." When he asked what we wanted Makenzie quickly interrupted and said "by any chance do you have a menu i can have?" The waiter looked kinda confused. Makenzie had told me she was going to ask for a menu but i didn't really believe her. The waiter went away to ask the manager if there were any old menus this girl at his table could have. Makenzie explained to my mom and me that her mom collected menus and hung them on the wall in their kitchen. She didn't have one from gringos! I thought Makenzie had wanted a take out menu or something but no.. she wanted the entire clear case with the menu inside. I laughed. The waiter returned and said sorry I can't give you one but here are a few take home menus. Makenzie took them when we left but she still wanted the menu. I found that highly amusing. When we finished eating Makenzie's first stop was the ice cream machine. She wanted swirl but she didn't notice that was right beside the chocolate and vanilla lever. I looked at her and she filled her cone with half chocolate and half vanilla. I then pointed out the swirl lever and she laughed. haha I miss her.

Trust in You

As i sit here in the dark reading Caitlin Cannon's blog i stumbled upon her post that contained the song played behind the funeral section of Cara's dance dedicated to Makenzie. It's called Sigur 3 by Sigur Ros. I remember vividly hearing everyone sniffling behind me and noticing Nancy, Jenna, and Emilie beside me crying, looking to the dance floor and seeing the dancers crying. Caitlin says to her this song is what heaven sounds like. I don't really know if that is what heaven sounds like but it is now a comforting tune that reminds me of every one's tears for Makenzie. The comforting part being that i know no one will forget her. This song however reminds me of the hardest thing i have ever been through. I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and getting a call on my phone. I looked at it said Makenzie calling. I answered it. It was the first time i had talked to Mrs. Stocker since the accident. I hadn't visited. I didn't know what i was suppose to say. She asked me if i wanted to come to Crowder Funeral Home in 30 mins to see makenzie before the viewing the next day. I said yes. I then called Emilie and Nancy and we all met there, outside the funeral home. We walked in together and our parents followed behind us. When we went inside we hugged Pastor Stocker and Mrs. Stocker and then joined in prayer. Along with Emilie, Nancy, and I was Geo, Mitchell, and Lindsy. Mrs. Stocker told us that she wanted us to be strong at the viewing and that seeing Makenzie before the actual viewing might help us. Before entering the room with Makenzie she reminded us that is was only Makenzie's shell. She wasn't there anymore. She was in heaven. What we were going to see wasn't her. Nancy, Emilie, Me held hands as Mrs. Stocker led us down the aisle towards the open casket. Emilie, Nancy and I stood there crying beside Makenzie for about 2 hours. I held Mak's hand. It was so weird. Mrs. Stocker told us that this was literally what Makenzie's hand felt like in Minnesota during the winter. As we looked at Makenzie, we knew she wasn't there. Her face would have had a smile on it and she wouldn't have sat still for that long of a period, she was too jumpy. It was indeed only her shell and she was with Jesus. It was the hardest and most comforting thing i have ever felt. (Talking about this is even harder then the actual moment of finding out Makenzie had passed.) I knew she was with Jesus. She was living somewhere better now. Better then we could possibly imagine. And Mrs. Stocker was right. Those last 2 hours i got to spend with Makenzie's shell, holding her hand helped sooo much. It helped Emilie and Nancy too. It gave us a sense of closure we needed. We didn't hardly cry at the actual viewing. Those 2 hours were the hours I made myself believe that Jesus really was real. I wasn't going to question it anymore. Sure, i would still question but i was going to put my trust in Jesus and continue to question and not just question by itself. Makenzie believed in heaven. That's where she went and i couldn't imagine it any other way. As i write this blog i am listening to Sigur Ros 3. It just fits the moment.

Youtube Sigur 3

Thankful for Makenzie

So, it's really hard to bring me to tears through just reading. When I read Ecuador – Day 5: “Kellie’s Perspective”today it made me almost come to tears. Not quite but pretty close. I am not sure how i would react if I was actually in Ecuador but from right here in my comfy little red chair i get sooo irritated looking at the Stocker's pictures and not seeing Mak in them. Everything pastor Todd and Mrs. Stocker write about Makenzie would have loved doing!! I get so angry that she wasn't able to go. Why couldn't she have been able to travel to Ecuador before the accident and when she got back I could have sat at lunch diagonal from her like i always did and listen to her go on and on about each individual child. Makenzie's smiling face was awesome and I would always try to respond to whatever she was saying and it just wouldn't make sense because i would put the words in the wrong order or something stupid like that. She would then exchange glances with Emilie and Nancy and then they would all burst out laughing together at the same time. Nancy squinting her eyes, Emilie giving herself whiplash, and makenzie snorting. I want to experience that moment so badly. Why did Makenzie have to pass away? What did she do wrong? Today is thanksgiving though. And what i immediately thought of was Makenzie. Makenzie's death has made me so much more thankful for the lives of my friends and families. What a stinky way to realize how important everyone is... But even my friends in Maryland now get random text about 3 am saying "I love you and you mean mucho to me!!". I don't think they quite understand it.

Makenzie's drawings for thanksgiving in my assignment book

Emilie and Nancy do though. My MD friends haven't experienced what I have but I think they now realize that this can happen to their friends in MD as well. Death is more real. My friend Amanda in MD has gone to the LSA website and saw Makenzie on one of the pages. I didn't even have to point her out. Amanda responded with "I feel like i know the girl!" I also know that my friends in MD have told their mom's about Makenzie and there have been tears shed for Makenzie from people that didn't even know her. I remember having my friend in TX when i still lived in MD telling me about how one of her friends was killed standing at a stop sign near Klein Highschool. I felt sooo bad for her and i remember thinking I can't imagine this happening to any of my friends. It did. Anyway, I am thankful for my friends and everyone else more then i ever have been before! I also just realized this is the most random, unorganized thing i have ever written. Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Love ya!

I had thought for a while now that all of my kenzie related things were gathered into my old physics binder. Somehow that saddened me. Thinking i wouldn't find any more Kenzie doodles or her common phrase written on every ones Bible's, notebooks, homework etc "Love ya!". I walked into my closet to begin cleaning it and the first thing i pick up was a card on the floor. As I am about to toss it into the trash can i open it and it says "Love ya Katie Davis! <3 Kenzie". I smiled and began to think maybe I am glad i never cleaned my closet. I might have quite a few more Kenzie items hidden in there underneath all of my schoolwork from years past. Truth is.. she wrote on everything so i have no idea how long cleaning my closet will take. I don't want to throw anything away that she wrote on, but going through my closet one item at a time to find every little "love ya" message is worth it to me.