Gift Exchange

This year I took my time deciding what i was going to get Emilie and Nancy. It gets harder every year trying to figure out what to get them. As i looked through catalogs and the mall i couldn't find much for Nancy and only a few things stood out for Emilie. I would point out to my mom "This would be perfect for Kenzie" or as i walked through the mall and gazed at something in the window. "Kenz would have loved this!". It was a weird feeling though. Knowing that whatever item that was would have been so perfect for her. A brief idea of buying it and sticking it at the bottom of her cross comes to mind but that just wouldn't work. Someone else would enjoy that item more then Kenzie's cross would. I remember last year wandering through the mall shopping for Emilie, Nancy, and Kenzie. Nancy has always been more picky so she was the easiest. I knew what she would like. Buy it and them bam... done with Nancy. Emilie and Kenzie were harder. They liked everything. You point out something... "Oh that's cool" or "Oh!! I LOVE THIS!" to every single thing! So then i wouldn't know what they liked the most. As I looked around i settled with a coach wallet for Nancy, 1000000 pairs of fuzzy socks for emilie and kenzie i didn't know what to do. I was still in the purse section from getting Nancy's gift and I texted kenzie.. "What do you want.. Something big without brand name or small with brand name" She replied big with no brand name. I ended up getting her a Tommy Hilfiger purse. I remember pondering over her favorite colors and which purse had the most in it. Makenzie then texted me " Where are you" I replied saying the mall.. She responded "Oh well that narrows it down!" So this year Nancy, Emilie, and I didn't exchange gifts as school like usual. We all went to Nancy's house and gave each other our gifts. I remember last year Makenzie gave the 3 of us red/green fuzzy socks that tied at the top along with some pretzels dipped in chocolate. I tried one and she said "if you don't like them i will eat them".. I liked them. I know i won't be getting that text early tomorrow morning saying Merry Christmas! I wonder what Christmas will be like for her in heaven this year. I wonder if it's like how we celebrate Christmas here or is it going to be one massive birthday party.. Does heaven use the colors green and red to represent Christmas? Hmmm...

Merry Christmas Makenzie!

Menu?

Nancy, and I have this love for Gringos. My love for it has now worn off because i swear the recipe for the chips has changed. Anyway, Makenzie had never been to Gringos and she always said she wanted to go. One day after school she didn't have dance for once. My mom picked me up and Makenzie came along. We discussed wear to eat and i was like GRINGOS!! Makenzie quickly became excited because for 1 it was food and 2 it was what Nancy and I always talked about. When we arrived Makenzie's eyes quickly found the free ice cream machine but she didn't rush over to it immediately. When we were seated i remember her being so friendly to the waiter. I thought to myself that waiters must love bubbly polite people like this. Makenzie gave him her drink order. When he returned with her drink she said said "thank you so much you are amazing." When he asked what we wanted Makenzie quickly interrupted and said "by any chance do you have a menu i can have?" The waiter looked kinda confused. Makenzie had told me she was going to ask for a menu but i didn't really believe her. The waiter went away to ask the manager if there were any old menus this girl at his table could have. Makenzie explained to my mom and me that her mom collected menus and hung them on the wall in their kitchen. She didn't have one from gringos! I thought Makenzie had wanted a take out menu or something but no.. she wanted the entire clear case with the menu inside. I laughed. The waiter returned and said sorry I can't give you one but here are a few take home menus. Makenzie took them when we left but she still wanted the menu. I found that highly amusing. When we finished eating Makenzie's first stop was the ice cream machine. She wanted swirl but she didn't notice that was right beside the chocolate and vanilla lever. I looked at her and she filled her cone with half chocolate and half vanilla. I then pointed out the swirl lever and she laughed. haha I miss her.

Trust in You

As i sit here in the dark reading Caitlin Cannon's blog i stumbled upon her post that contained the song played behind the funeral section of Cara's dance dedicated to Makenzie. It's called Sigur 3 by Sigur Ros. I remember vividly hearing everyone sniffling behind me and noticing Nancy, Jenna, and Emilie beside me crying, looking to the dance floor and seeing the dancers crying. Caitlin says to her this song is what heaven sounds like. I don't really know if that is what heaven sounds like but it is now a comforting tune that reminds me of every one's tears for Makenzie. The comforting part being that i know no one will forget her. This song however reminds me of the hardest thing i have ever been through. I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and getting a call on my phone. I looked at it said Makenzie calling. I answered it. It was the first time i had talked to Mrs. Stocker since the accident. I hadn't visited. I didn't know what i was suppose to say. She asked me if i wanted to come to Crowder Funeral Home in 30 mins to see makenzie before the viewing the next day. I said yes. I then called Emilie and Nancy and we all met there, outside the funeral home. We walked in together and our parents followed behind us. When we went inside we hugged Pastor Stocker and Mrs. Stocker and then joined in prayer. Along with Emilie, Nancy, and I was Geo, Mitchell, and Lindsy. Mrs. Stocker told us that she wanted us to be strong at the viewing and that seeing Makenzie before the actual viewing might help us. Before entering the room with Makenzie she reminded us that is was only Makenzie's shell. She wasn't there anymore. She was in heaven. What we were going to see wasn't her. Nancy, Emilie, Me held hands as Mrs. Stocker led us down the aisle towards the open casket. Emilie, Nancy and I stood there crying beside Makenzie for about 2 hours. I held Mak's hand. It was so weird. Mrs. Stocker told us that this was literally what Makenzie's hand felt like in Minnesota during the winter. As we looked at Makenzie, we knew she wasn't there. Her face would have had a smile on it and she wouldn't have sat still for that long of a period, she was too jumpy. It was indeed only her shell and she was with Jesus. It was the hardest and most comforting thing i have ever felt. (Talking about this is even harder then the actual moment of finding out Makenzie had passed.) I knew she was with Jesus. She was living somewhere better now. Better then we could possibly imagine. And Mrs. Stocker was right. Those last 2 hours i got to spend with Makenzie's shell, holding her hand helped sooo much. It helped Emilie and Nancy too. It gave us a sense of closure we needed. We didn't hardly cry at the actual viewing. Those 2 hours were the hours I made myself believe that Jesus really was real. I wasn't going to question it anymore. Sure, i would still question but i was going to put my trust in Jesus and continue to question and not just question by itself. Makenzie believed in heaven. That's where she went and i couldn't imagine it any other way. As i write this blog i am listening to Sigur Ros 3. It just fits the moment.

Youtube Sigur 3

Thankful for Makenzie

So, it's really hard to bring me to tears through just reading. When I read Ecuador – Day 5: “Kellie’s Perspective”today it made me almost come to tears. Not quite but pretty close. I am not sure how i would react if I was actually in Ecuador but from right here in my comfy little red chair i get sooo irritated looking at the Stocker's pictures and not seeing Mak in them. Everything pastor Todd and Mrs. Stocker write about Makenzie would have loved doing!! I get so angry that she wasn't able to go. Why couldn't she have been able to travel to Ecuador before the accident and when she got back I could have sat at lunch diagonal from her like i always did and listen to her go on and on about each individual child. Makenzie's smiling face was awesome and I would always try to respond to whatever she was saying and it just wouldn't make sense because i would put the words in the wrong order or something stupid like that. She would then exchange glances with Emilie and Nancy and then they would all burst out laughing together at the same time. Nancy squinting her eyes, Emilie giving herself whiplash, and makenzie snorting. I want to experience that moment so badly. Why did Makenzie have to pass away? What did she do wrong? Today is thanksgiving though. And what i immediately thought of was Makenzie. Makenzie's death has made me so much more thankful for the lives of my friends and families. What a stinky way to realize how important everyone is... But even my friends in Maryland now get random text about 3 am saying "I love you and you mean mucho to me!!". I don't think they quite understand it.

Makenzie's drawings for thanksgiving in my assignment book

Emilie and Nancy do though. My MD friends haven't experienced what I have but I think they now realize that this can happen to their friends in MD as well. Death is more real. My friend Amanda in MD has gone to the LSA website and saw Makenzie on one of the pages. I didn't even have to point her out. Amanda responded with "I feel like i know the girl!" I also know that my friends in MD have told their mom's about Makenzie and there have been tears shed for Makenzie from people that didn't even know her. I remember having my friend in TX when i still lived in MD telling me about how one of her friends was killed standing at a stop sign near Klein Highschool. I felt sooo bad for her and i remember thinking I can't imagine this happening to any of my friends. It did. Anyway, I am thankful for my friends and everyone else more then i ever have been before! I also just realized this is the most random, unorganized thing i have ever written. Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Love ya!

I had thought for a while now that all of my kenzie related things were gathered into my old physics binder. Somehow that saddened me. Thinking i wouldn't find any more Kenzie doodles or her common phrase written on every ones Bible's, notebooks, homework etc "Love ya!". I walked into my closet to begin cleaning it and the first thing i pick up was a card on the floor. As I am about to toss it into the trash can i open it and it says "Love ya Katie Davis! <3 Kenzie". I smiled and began to think maybe I am glad i never cleaned my closet. I might have quite a few more Kenzie items hidden in there underneath all of my schoolwork from years past. Truth is.. she wrote on everything so i have no idea how long cleaning my closet will take. I don't want to throw anything away that she wrote on, but going through my closet one item at a time to find every little "love ya" message is worth it to me.

The Stocker's chapel

Yesterday, the Stockers flew in from Minnesota and did Chapel at LSA. I had been looking forward to this since they came to Senior Retreat at Carolina Creek. They stopped by in Houston before heading to Ecuador to finish the shoe drive Makenzie had started last year. She collected shoes and pestered every individual at LSA to bring shoes in. She reminded me everyday and would say "Katie, i have been to your house. I have seen your closet downstairs. Bring your shoes!" She knew i never wore any of them. I would explain to her that i had an emotional connection to them. She would roll her eyes, smile, and walk away. I had always planned to bring in shoes for her for i never remembered. Anyway, the chapel was amazing. They talked about going to Ecuador and sang songs that Makenzie used to sing everyday at Chapel. I was determined not to cry but i failed. As soon as I noticed tears running down Nancy's face beside me i gave in. Chapel was just like it use to be. Pastor Todd lead it. Mrs. Stocker would speak for short periods of time. Lindsy would play guitar, Kyle would play the drums, Emilie would sing. Except this time it wasn't Makenzie singing up there with Emilie. It was Mrs.Stocker, Nathan, and Maddie. Emilie told me that she loved singing with them yesterday. She said it was almost like the old times. It was amazing and the student body participated in it like they used too. We knew the songs so everyone sang. Anyway, after chapel I missed bible study. Along with Nancy and Emilie and just sat with the Stockers. Maddie, Emilie, Nancy, and I ended up taking tons of pictures with Maddie. Maddie makes the same faces in pictures that Kenzie used to make. =] Seeing Mrs. Stocker and recognizing the familiar facial expression that Kenzie made were comforting. Just seeing them in general makes me happy. When they left, I was sad again but really glad i saw them. Anyway, they are in Ecuador now to drop off all the shoes Makenzie collected last year. Mrs. Stocker has already uploaded pictures from the first day and it looks amazing!! I really wish Makenzie was able to go with them. I still remember her running up to me in front of the office at LSA and saying " I am going to Ecuador!!!" I responded with "By
yourself?" She answered "No, silly". She told me that her mom would be going with her. Anyway, keep praying for the Stockers and for there trip to go smoothly!!!

Like A Rose

The white rose seems to have become Makenzie's flower. I am not exactly sure how this happened but it has something to do with Mr. Baacke's rose chapel. Mr Baacke read this in Makenzie's memorial service.

"Many of you remember the rose chapel from the fall of 2007. We used white roses to symbolize the forgiveness and newness that God gives us every day. At the end of that
chapel every HS student received a white rose. I want to read a passage from Rob Bell. It’s the words I used to end that chapel....

“Life is messy. Gut wrenching. Risky. Things don’t always turn out well. Sometimes they don’t turn out at all. Sometimes everything falls apart & we wonder if there’s any point to any of it. We’re tempted to shut ourselves off, fortify the walls around our hearts, and forge ahead, promising ourselves that we will never open ourselves up like that again. But I have to believe that we can recover from anything. I have to believe that God can put anything, or anyone, back together. I have to believe that the God who Jesus invites us to trust is as good as He says He is. That God is loving. Forgiving. Merciful. Full of grace. And I have to believe that God does not run out of roses.” I think it’s totally cool to see white roses in the arrangement on Makenzie’s casket." -Mr. Baacke.

Today, above my Makenzie memorial board lies the white rose Mr. baacke gave out during that chapel our freshman year. In Nancy's room above the frame of her and Kenzie lies the white rose. The rose now symbolizes her. I looked at pictures the other day of Kenzie dancing that i hadn't seen before. In some pictures Makenzie had white roses. I thought that was soooo cool! Also, the dance that took place at RAFA in memory of Makenzie used white roses in the dance. White rose petals were tossed in the air and a single white rose was placed in Devin's arms. (Devin represented makenzie's body) Nancy, Joe, and I the other day when to Makenzie's cross at the intersection. White roses are tied up behind her cross along with some other white roses on the ground. At Nancy's we picked roses from her backyard and took them to put on Kenzie's cross. I brought 3 roses along with 1 white rose. The white rose meant more to me then the other 3.

Beam the Teacher

I forgot all about this memory until i began looking through some of Catherine's Hart's photos. Last year i was in PAP Physics with Makenzie. We sat next to each other everyday. One day Mr. Himmler (our teacher) took all of us outside. We didn't exactly know what was going on but we knew it involved eggs. Mr. Himmler proceeded to put his tie dye smock on followed by sunglasses and then a towel around his neck. Mr. Himmler then told us we were going to throw eggs at him. Makenzie was the first one to volunteer. Emilie and I laughed at her as Mr. Himmler gave her a egg. She told us that throwing a egg at a teacher sounded exciting. Our whole class stood behind her as Makenzie lifted her arm with a egg. Makenzie was about to throw it and then she said "really??". Mr. Himmler said yes and she began to raise her arm again. This time Mr. Himmler said "Wait!". Kenzie put her arm down as he readjusted himself. She got ready again and he responded with "wait" again. We soon realized that we were not going to be beaming Mr. Himmler with eggs. It was mildly disappointing. We ended up throwing eggs into a big white sheet. Showing us that no matter how hard we threw the eggs they were not going to break on the sheet. Makenzie threw the egg into the sheet and then told us she was disappointed. She really wanted to throw a egg at Mr. Himmler. She said "I thought he was going to have some cool super power and be able to catch the eggs with his hands!".. She then told me later that when students had him this year she was going to tell them to just immediately throw the egg and not wait for him to say "wait". I don't think he teaches Physics anymore but i was holding her to that to tell the students to beam him with a egg.

"You turned my mourning into dancing"

RAFA (makenzie's dance studio) put on a performance dedicated to Makenzie. It represented before the accident, the accident itself, and the mourning process that took place afterwards. Mrs. Stocker was the first one to tell me about this and the performance first took place on the night of LSA's homecoming. Therefore, no one from LSA went except Alessandra who was in it herself. I wanted to see it then but i didn't want to miss homecoming. Caitlin and i talked and I decided that I would come over to her house sometime and watch the tape. I must admit, i wasn't really sure if i wanted to see the dance. There was a duet in the middle of the performance that had only Caitlin and Aaron. (These were the two in the accident with mak). As leary as i was about going to see it.... RAFA decided to do another show for people at LSA to come see. I went along with Nancy, Emilie, Jenna, and Kirstie. When we arrived at RAFA it was a plain reminder of Kenzie. I had been there only twice before and both times were with her. I looked at the walls and saw Kenzie's smiling face in a good portion of all o the pictures that lined the hallways. I quickly noticed the shadow box dedicated to Makenzie that had a pair of her ballet slippers in it. There was also the Makenzie Stocker Scholarship plaque. It had that picture of her in the grass doing the splits lying on her hands smiling. As the doors opened Nancy, Emilie, Jenna, and I pushed our way through. I sat on the very first row and Nancy and Emilie quickly joined me. I didn't expect the performance to be to hard for me to sit through. I have cried so much that the crying has been slowing down quite a bit. As soon as Cara (the choreographer) began talking about Makenzie, tears began rolling down my face. I didn't understand most of it but i did understand the part where Aaron and Caitlin danced together. Devin, another girl kenzie danced with played Makenzie's body. The three leaped and bounded together and soon Devin laid down on the ground. Caitlin and Aaron approached her and laid a single white rose on her hands. Next thing that made me cry was everyone circled around Devin and began hugging her. I wanted Devin to actually be Kenzie so badly. I wanted to jump up and join that giant hug. I wanted to hug Kenzie at that moment more then i have wanted to hug her since the accident happened. As all of the audience began to cry my tears came faster. Soon, i noticed the dancers crying. This just killed me. Kenzie must have been just as close to all these dancers as she was with Nancy, Emilie, and I. I didn't know who these people were but their tears were for the same thing mine were. I felt like i had known these people forever. As soon as the dance was over, many of the dancers i had never talked to before or even seen before came up to me and started hugging me. They must have recognized my face from Kenzie's pictures. This was amazing. Travis came up and hugged me. I didn't know him but i sure felt like i did. ( Actually we had both met each other at Kenzie's 17th birthday. We just have no memory of this) Makenzie talked about him frequently and seeing him in person and approaching me to just give me a simple hug was somehow very comforting. I still haven't ever talked to Aaron but i hope i will sometime.

Makenzie as a Saint

The other day was All Saints Day. A day to remember loved ones that are already living with Jesus. I didn't think much of it until this year. Our school did a chapel for all saints day. Pastor Jon led the chapel as normal but it wasn't a normal chapel. As we walked in there were 4 flower pots of sand on the stage and i think 4 candles. Pastor Jon invited everyone (teachers and students) to come forward and light a candle off of one of the 4 main candles. No body went up at first but as soon as one person went forward, almost everyone in the room participated. Nancy and I went up and were the first ones to light and place a candle in the sand for one of the pots. We placed ours directly in the middle of the pot and returned to our seats. Tears began to stream down my face as i looked around. I watched as almost every student and teacher placed a candle in the sand. I can't help but think at least 1/3 of all of those candles were for Makenzie. After this, the choir sang Keep Your lamps". This was the very first song i sang with the LSA choir my freshman year when Sherohman was still our teacher. Makenzie and i would harmonize down the hallways. Her singing the alto part and me singing the soprano part. I looked up at all my friends singing. Makenzie was supposed to be up there and I was supposed to be singing it with her. Even though we both were not going to do choir this year, we would have been in the audience harmonizing together while we should have be just listening to the choir. My tears began to come faster and Nancy gave me a tissue to wipe up my mascara. All Saints Day is something i think of in order to remember grandparents or great grandparents. Maybe even a aunt or a uncle... not your 18 year old best friend. I didn't want to remember Kenzie on all saints day. i wanted her here with me remembering loved ones that had passed. I didn't want to remember Kenzie on this day. I just wanted her there sitting beside me.

Bloody arm

As i started bringing out my decorations for Halloween i couldn't help but think about makenzie running around with my rubber bloody cut off arm. She found it highly amusing to play with and even filmed videos of herself with it on my camera. The videos from that day are some of my favorite that i filmed with her. As we were decorating and hanging up spiderwebs Casey, took off and ran away. I went taking off after her as Makenzie sat down in my yard and just began laughing. No help.. Just laughing and then deciding that she should video tape it. So she got a video of me running back with Casey in my arms. Then we would go back to decorating again. As i unpacked my arm this year i wanted makenzie back helping me arrange the decorations. I longed to see her wrap herself up in my spiderwebs and make them all come off the brick again. I wanted her there holding the ladder for me.
This year, Emilie came over for Halloween. We took pictures with the bloody hand and then put it back outside in the front yard again. Sometime throughout the night someone stole that hand. When i got home i asked my parent's where all of our decorations were. They told me someone stolen my arm so they brought everything inside. Somehow, this made me very sad. I sat there on the stairs complaining to Emilie for about 4 mins. I notice that anything of mine that Makenzie played with, wrote with, etc I get slightly protective about. I have a rubber band shaped like a pig that she used to wear around her wrist. I get mad when people shoot it across the room. I try to hold onto everything i have that relates to her.

Many Things

So usually i write about Makenzie when something happens to me during the day that reminds me of a particular memory... Recently it has been the same memories or thoughts over and over again. Nothing new to write about. Today was like BAM! One thing after another. So as normal i arrived at school late and then we immediately had to go to the cafeteria for a speaker to come to talk to us. She was late so Ratjche stood up and told us the Stockers were coming to do chapel 2 weeks from now =] Then he told everyone about the Stockers finishing up Mak's shoe drive. Anyway, after that it was kinda hard. The speaker arrived and what she talked about was drunk driving. She had board after board of people who had been killed in drunk driving accidents. She talked about particular car accidents with details. Several of those reminded me of Kenzie's accident. (even though hers didn't have anything to do with drunk driving). She talked about a certain girl who was driving and her best friend had been flung from the passenger seat out onto the road and instantly killed. That was one phrase she used a lot "Instantly killed". It rung in my head over and over. I have read or heard those words so many times referring to Kenzie. Some of the pictures that she showed us were of 17 and 18 year old girls. I thought of their friends and parents. Why do so many people have to go through the same thing i do? Why do so many people have to lose their friends and kids? It was depressing. The next thing today was bio 2. Joey had gone out and caught a toad for Mr. Baacke to scramble it's brains and watch it's heart beat. This instantly brought me back to the memory from my sophomore year. One day before lunch Kenzie told me to follow her into Baacke's room. She was really excited. As i entered the room Mr. Baacke cautioned me not to follow her. Kenzie pulled me in anyways. When i got to the back of the room Kenzie was leaning over a frog with it's chest cut open and the heart still beating away. Makenzie and Mr. Baacke talked about this for a while and explained how it's heart would start slowing down throughout the day. I believe i was pacing somewhere not close to the table. Thankfully Baacke let the toad go today because of "some sensitive classmates. Not just Katie". It made me really happy =] Next i went to sonic today. I followed Nancy and at the sonic Nancy asked me what i got. I told her i got a kids corn dog meal and Nancy alerted me that i don't like the food at this specific sonic. This was the sonic that i had found a hair in my recesses blast. I gave that to Kenzie. She told me she didn't care. I had also gotten popcorn chicken there before that i didn't like. Kenzie ate that too. I had also gotten a Dr. Pepper once.. but there was a hair on the outside of the cup. Makenzie drank that too. Sure enough when i got the corn dog today... It didn't live up to my standards but i ate it anyway. Makenzie was our trash can. She ate anything. I also remember Makenzie coming home with us one day from school. My dad and mom picked me and Kenzie up together. We went to sonic and sat outside. She ordered a hamburger and one thing i will always remember was that she prayed before she ate. That was sophomore year so that sort of thing still stood out to me.

Beast at Beastie hunting

So yesterday and the day before i beastie hunted. Beastie hunting is what Mr. Baacke makes us do. We go outside and collect water from ponds or ditches, then we let them sit under a light for a week. The "Beasties" have multiplied by then and we are more likely to find them under the microscope. Beasties are small critters like Cyclops, Rotifers, Water Bear, Round Worm, Segmented Worms, etc. Anyway, I am in Bio 2 now and our class did this over the past 3 days. In Bio 1 we did this lab with a partner. Makenzie was my partner. We had so much fun beastie hunting together. I remember that when i would find something under the microscope Makenzie would begin calling Mr. Baackes name to come over and see what i found. She would always then ask to look before Mr. Baacke got to see it. She would always look down and try to follow it by moving the slide but she was never quick enough and ALWAYS lost the darn little critter. Then without Baacke confirming we saw something we wouldn't get any points. This aggravated me so much but the fact she lost it EVERY SINGLE TIME was soooo amusing. She became the slide maker and i was the only searcher. I stunk at making good slides with beasties in it. Makenzie always made a good slide and i could always find something interesting. So we were a good pair, as long as i didn't let her get a peak at the critter. lol. After Makenzie and I figured this out (that she would be the slide maker and i would be the searcher) we did amazing! We were constantly finding things. We got a lot of points. I tried to look through my labs from bio 1. Makenzie must have kept that lab because I don't have it. This year i worked in a group with about 6 people. I couldn't help wish that makenzie would have been by my side yelling "Mr. Baacke, Mr. Baacke! Katie found something" then asking to see it and then having it be gone by the time he got to our microscope. I always remember the time of beastie hunting because after she bugged Mr. Baacke to let her hold his iguana, Mordy. When he let her she was so excited. He put it on her shoulder or maybe she crawled up there. Her nails got stuck in Makenzie hair and when he finally took Mordy off she was scratched all over her arm and neck. I honestly don't think she even realized she was scratched. She did that "Ahh ahh" with her eyes real wide looking all excited thing that she does.

The Owl

Somehow as i walked into my room today i looked at my dresser and remembered the necklace Kenzie always wore. It was that owl necklace with something blue on it. It wasn't tight. It was a long chain but today as i looked at my dresser i remembered by birthday party. Somehow during that party her necklace broke. She came up and showed it to me and said look. I didn't know how to respond.. I believe i replied with a sorry but i don't remember. She sat it on the corner of my dresser. Whenever she came to my house she would forget something. She left that owl necklace at my house. At school i told her she had left it and she had no interest in getting it back. She didn't care. She told me she didn't want it back. "It's broken". I didn't pay attention to what she said. I wanted to get everything out of my house that was left from my party. I wanted everything that wasn't mine to be gone. Socks etc. I gave that broken chain and owl necklace back to Makenzie. She took it anyway. I don't know if she threw it away or whatever but I wish i had kept it. She didn't care about it and told me not to give it back to her. I wish i had listened to her. I could have thread that little owl on a new chain. Or she could have even thread that little owl on a new chain and continued wearing it. I wonder what she did with it.

Makenzie Days

So maybe my makenzie dream wasn’t a good thing. The dream almost is like teasing me. I remember it in such detail that it seems real. The thing bothering me recently was at the time of makenzie death when I thought about memories they didn’t seem like memories. I didn’t know what to call them because memories seemed like the past. Now, all of my makenzie moments are memories and will always be memories. I know I won’t have any new memories to make with her in the future. My dream felt so real it was almost like that to could be a memory. She was grabbing me touching my hand to her arm and telling me that she was here. The dream almost seems like it’s teasing me. I miss her voice I miss her wearing her hair in a French braid and trying to keep it over one shoulder but it wasn’t quite long enough to just stay over her shoulder if she moved her head around.
Last night I had more dreams. Once again I remembered them. Every dream I had… or maybe it was all one dream, involved someone dying. 3 people died and one person was in a head on car accident and was completely brain dead. None of their deaths had anything to do with another. One of the people I didn’t know that died. It was some random LSA graduate but a graduate from the original LSA campus. One of the people that died I am pretty sure I was crying about in my sleep but I am not totally sure. I am not going to say the people that died because that would just be strange. Today was one of those days that I dub my “Makenzie days”. Those are the days that not a minute passes where I am not thinking about her. Usually at the end of my Makenzie days I cry really hard. I went to a movie with my parents today and I was crying during it. The movie didn’t have any relation to Kenzie. Except people kept dying and their were caskets. I know she isn’t here anymore but sometimes it just hits me that my one of my best friends is dead. And when that thought occurs I can’t hold back the tears.
When I got home I went up stairs took a shower and was crying harder this time. I texted Emilie and told her about my dreams last night and told her I was having a hard time at the moment. Now, I have a hard time calling people when I am upset. After the accident I would call Emilie usually. Sometimes Nancy. I feel like I shouldn’t do that anymore. It will just make them upset when they were fine at the moment. I thought about calling my best friends, Maddi from MD tonight. She knows all about Mak.. All of my friends up there do. It was 11 something here and 12 something there. She was asleep and I woke her up =/. Bad thing is, is that my Makenzie moments are usually at night. Ugg I miss Mak.

My dream

Yesterday i looked through my assignment books from sophomore and junior year. Some reason i wrote the most random things down. Today at school was the testing day. We have a testing day every year at school Sophomore year testing day was on October 17th. I looked at that day and on the day i had written "Kenzie broke her wrist =[" I never even knew she broke it until the next day. If i remember correctly she danced off the stage by accident. After texting Mrs. Stocker today and dicussing Kenzie related things, i took a nap. I had a dream about Makenzie. I don't think i have dreamed about her since the week of the accident.. In my dream we were back at school and I i was in Mr. Schultz class and Kenzie was in someone else's class. I knew Makenzie would be back at school that day so i was overjoyed. The weird thing was that Makenzie had still been in the accident and if i am correct she had passed away. Somehow she came back though. All she had was a broken wrist. Makenzie had been gone for the amount of time she has been gone now. I told Mr. schultz i saw Kenz so he let me go see her. I ran to her and hugged her. She complained about me squishing her wrist so I let go. She didn't remember being gone and just remembered the day of the accident but not the accident itself. I hugged her again and i became teary eyed. In real life i would be sobbing but some reason i was only teary eyed. Mainly because i was asking questions constantly. In the room she was in which i think was Mr. Robbins there were birthday signs everywhere saying happy birthday Kenzie. Her birthday had passed while she was gone. She didn't really understand why people were celebrating her birthday in October. I explained to her it had passed while she was in heaven. She didn't grasp this but she was excited for presents. After that we sat down and i stuck my legs out and she laid down with her head in my lap like she used to do begging me to play with her hair. We talked and i let her know how important she was to me. She reassured me while laughing that she was here now. ( i have a text from her on May 22nd that sayss "haha aw well im there in spirit? :)" That reminded me of my dream. I wish she was here now.

Just Dance

Well if there was anything Makenzie loved to do, she loved to dance. This past Saturday was LSA's homecoming. Plan making this year was a mess. Usually Makenzie planned everything out for every dance and said "Here, this is what we are doing. This is the time. Be there". This year we tried to make plans over facebook messages between about 18 people. It was a mess. Slight drama was involved. I wished Makenzie was there to make the plans for us. Even though Makenzie made plans for every dance i never once ended up following through with them. Nancy, Emilie, and Kenzie would but i would always end up doing something else. I regret that. ( There are so many things i say "what if"or "I wish" i had done this). They had such a great time. They went on a boat once. I look at those pictures and wonder why i didn't just stick with the orginal plan.
This year at homecoming Makenzie wasn't there to dance with Nancy. Emilie and I are terrible dancers so we both just usually stood there doing our own robotic dance while Kenzie and Nancy boogied. Makenzie would pester me to dance. She would say "Katie, JUST DANCE" She would grab my hips and move them from side to side or pick up my arms and make wild crazy movements. She didn't understand why i was so reluctant. She wasn't there this year annoying me. She would have been so proud of me. I thought about it and i tried dancing. I had a blast this year. I danced more then i have ever danced in my life. Not only did i dance to have fun but i was thinking i was dancing a little for Kenzie. She would have been very happy with me. =] I still have pictures with her from dances but this year after i got home and looked at the pictures everyone took. They were great pictures but it was only Nancy, Emilie, and I. Didn't seem right

Homecoming Game

This year's homecoming game was miserable... Not only did it rain the entire game but I didn't have Makenzie sitting beside me. This year Sam did come back and watch the game with me. But i looked over at him about half way through the game and told him this was sooo weird. He asked why and i explained that usually I have Emilie and Kenzie sitting right there beside me cheering the team on. Emilie is now in strutters so I would have sat all alone if it wasn't for Sam. I am used to having Makenzie sitting directly behind me tugging on my hair or snuggling together to keep warm on the cold metal stands. Or having Makenzie point out to me where Nancy or Katelyn was dancing on the field. We usually didn't watch the game though. We would wander around. My most vivid memory was when i was sitting beside Kenzie and Emilie once and while the cheerleaders did their routine, Catherine held her "Go Fight Win" sign upside down so i was screaming "Go Fight Nim". I believe that was my first football game i ever went too. Makenzie made so much fun of me the next day. We also bought a pickle a the concession stand and we took pictures biting the separate ends. We tried to be like Lady and the Tramp but it didn't work. It ended up just falling on the ground in between us and that was the end of the pickle. I had fun with Sam but i would prefer i had both of them together with me

The other day Nancy alerted me that she ha

d a picture of me, kenzie, and emilie all in chapel on spirit day. Nancy never uploaded it because she thought she looked bad. I took my USB and went to her house and put it on facebook. This year as we sat there in chapel nancy said lets take the exact same picture over again. The only thing different was that there was no Kenzie.

Tear Drops of My Guitar

The other day i heard the song Tear Drops on my Guitar by Taylor Swift. I realized I didn't know the lyrics anymore. Why? Because Kenzie made up our own lyrics to the song to show her feelings on our bible study class... I tried to contribute to the lyric making process... However she didn't like my ideas. Somehow Emilie joined us at one point. She knows the lyrics too. These were the lyrics.

___ looks at me

I fake a smile so he won't see

That I hate his class

When he teaches it to me

He isn't beautiful

Nobody talks about

And he is what my nightmares are

about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

_______________________________________

I don't remember the rest. When didn't mind the class that much but it was fun to make up a song too. We took full advantage of it. When that song comes on the radio i sing those lyrics. I remember walking over the over pass just singing with Emilie and Kenzie to that song. It makes me laugh to think about.

Field Day

So today was the first day of spirit week. Usually on this day Emilie, Nancy, Kenzie and I would spend the entire day together goofing off and taking pictures. We did the same thing as normal.. just no kenz. I did the water relay like i always did and missed having Kenzie not understanding the concept of passing the water over your head keeping the bucket upright. Instead she would just flip the entire bucket upside down. I found this picture to the left. Whenever we do the water relay someone falls. Sophomore year Kenzie fell. This year Anthony fell. It was amusing. I also didn't get to see Kenzie doing the orange pass with everyone. As i watched the orange pass today i thought of Makenzie coming up to the fence and telling me to take her picture. When i saw Mr. Bangert monitoring the orange pass i thought about Makenzie standing and talking to him about oranges and the rules. Not seeing the boys fight over who got to carry kenzie for the piggy back races this year was also strange. The task to find the smallest girl started from scratch. I don't think i mentioned Kenzie once today but I was thinking about her a good amount. As i stared at our class it just seemed different. Not having Kenzie do the clothes relay and seeing her attempt to run across the gym with shoes on that were 6 sizes to big for her was strange. I also remember sophomore year and i stood beside Kenzie in the egg toss. Mrs. Stocker was going around us taking pictures. I didn't think it would be that different but something just felt off.

The little things

Today was a very good day. It was one little thing that made the day great. The high school received t

heir class shirts today. When i saw Anthony put it on i ran to his back and looked for Makenzie's name. There under the S's like it always was "Makenzie Stocker

". Not only did it say Makenzie Stocker but there was a little cross beside her name. This made my day, I had been very persistent about getting that small little cross on there. Olivia came up with the idea in the class shirt meeting and I loved it. No one disagreed with the idea but i wanted to make sure it actually happened. I began pestering Mr. Baacke over text messages. He was fine with the idea so i didn't have to say much. I just wanted something that distinguished her name from the others.

Throughout the day I noticed the classes putting there class shirts on. I couldn't help but think about field day where Makenzie and I had a ball taking pictures in the choir room. We jumped off of chairs and Katelyn would snap a picture of us in mid- air. I even stood on a chair and had kenzie climb up and then get on my back while I was standing on the chair.... very stupid when i think about it. We made pyramids and tried thinking of every possible pose to take a picture of. I won't have that this year with Kenzie.... Makes me sad to think about.

The worst morning ever

So i debated on whether to write on this or not because it upsets me when i think about it but i want to have to written out and for some reason, i don't want to forget anything about that day. It doesn't make sense to me but i have been told i am weird my entire life. In case you didn't figure out the morning i am talking about was the morning of June 4th.

We had gone crazy from crying so much

It was a normal morning for me. I had planned on sleeping in until around 2pm like i usually did. As if waking up early wasn't enough to ruin my day, i was given the news that Makenzie had died. I was sleeping in my bed and it was around 10:15 am. My mom heard frantic knocking on the door or maybe it was ringing. I don't remember. Anyway, my mom ran downstairs in her pajamas and opened the door. Katelyn Norman was standing there crying and could hardly talk. She asked my mom if i was home and then ran
upstairs into my room. I was still sleeping and was awakened by her heaving breathing and sobbing. She threw herself onto my bed and said the worst words i have ever heard "Makenzie died Katie. Makenzie died!.". I was incapable of processing this information at the time and just sat up in my bed and stared at Katelyn. My mom came and sat on the bed and had heard Katelyn telling me Kenzie died. She sat down and hugged Katelyn. They were both sobbing together now and i was just sitting up straight in my bed starring at my wall. As i slowly looked around my room i saw Makenzie's face everywhere. All over my bulletin board, in my picture frames, my assignment book still on the ground from the end of school. As i sat there not really understanding what had just happened i hear Katelyn say, "Poor little Kenzie". She couldn't breathe, honestly i have never seen someone cry so hard. I must have sat in my bed not moving for at least another 20 mins. with Katelyn just sitting there on my bed. It didn't hit me and I was incapable of crying. When i first heard Katelyn say it i thought it was a joke or something. It never occurred to me that my best friend could die.

After a good while i began moving around on my bed and getting my phone to see if anyone had texted me. I didn't have any text. My mom went downstairs and checked the message machine only to find a message from Mr. Finke about what had happened. There was also another message from Mrs. Norman saying that Katelyn was on her way over and that my mom might want to warn me before Katelyn got there. Of course we weren't awake though. I texted Sherohman like i always do if i have any big news. Right when i did this the tears hit me. I had never cried so hard in my life. I never knew i was capable of having so many tears come out of my eyes. He left school (summer hadn't started yet for them at Dickinson) and came over to my house. Soon i found myself, my mom, katelyn, and Mrs. Norman all sitting around my kitchen table. As Katelyn and I sobbed i called the Wukashes home phone since Nancy was grounded at the time and didn't have her phone. A very sad sounding Bonnie picked up and asked who was calling. She then gave the phone to Nancy. Soon, the Wukasches, Finke's, and Normans were all at my house. The first person that called me that day to talk to me about Kenzie was Dimitri... I will never forget this. Dimitri.... all we ever do is insult each other. He called and said," I am sorry" as i walked alone around the pool. I won't ever forget that. Dimitri DOES have a nice side. hahaha

After a little bit everyone got in cars and drove to LSA. There we met Joe, and a few others that I can't remember at the moment. We sat on the island by Buchman's room and soon found ourselves surrounded by Mr. Schultz, Little Baacke, Mr. Himmler, Mrs. Morgan and Mr. Ratjche. We sat there crying for a while. Well most of us were crying. After hanging there for a long time we went to Geiger's room to look at the choir scrapbooks that had Makenzie in it. Finally we left the school. Mrs. Morgan was now one tissue box shorter then she was before. Nancy took it =]. Then Nancy, Katelyn, Kristina, and I went to IHop. Nancy stuffed herself with chocolate chip pancakes and then I ate the rest of them. I felt sooooo sick. Emilie went to the Stocker's house and a few others came back to my house including Zane and Kristina . It was the longest day ever. Nancy and Emilie stayed the longest. We ended the day with writing her name out on balloons and taking pictures for some reason. That's what happened that day. I hope i will never have to go through something like that again.

Percy Makenzie

The day of my 17th birthday party, Makenzie was the second one to arrive. She looked so excited. I didn't understand why until i looked into her hands and saw what she was holding. Something that always makes my day. My smile was huge, and her seeing me smile made her smile. It was one of those things i loved. A PetCo box saying caution live animal inside!! Animals have always been a big part of my life. I quickly began questioning her. "Would i think it's cruel to leave it in it's box over night?" "Does it have water?". I didn't want to open it till everyone was there but i decided i couldn't wait. I open the little box and inside was a little hermit crab. It had a strange little creature painted on it's shell that no one could identify. With the hermit crab she gave me some food for it. Luckily I still had all of my hermit crab supplies. Makenzie watched me as i ran around my house searching for sand, bark, sponges and a cage. As i began setting up it's tank Makenzie said "Name it Makenzie!". I said no because i had done that before and it always made me feel weird when a pet would die that was named after a friend.

I ran downstairs and told my parents. My mom gave me a sarcastic "Oh yeah!" and i think my dad growled. When Katelyn Norman arrived at my house she kept saying "Come Percy we must be squeaky clean for the new world!" from Pochanotus.. Over the night somehow the hermit crab became named Percy. Everyone kept saying that line too! "come Percy we must be squeaky clean for the new world" over and over again. If you look back at Makenzie status on facebook from March 29 or 30th i believe that's what her status says. We all set our status to that. I remember as we were going out to swim that night Makenzie went up to my mom and said "Did you see what i gave Katie?" My mom said yes very happily when i knew inside she was going "Oh great, now we will have to go to the pet store and buy more hermit crab decorations". Especially after the fact that my dad had just made the rule no more buying pets.

Now, Percy is my living memory of Makenzie. Whenever that little crab passes away i will probably cry harder for it then any other hermit crab i have lost in the past. After Makenzie passed i remembered her telling me to name it after her. I decided to make Makenzie it's middle name. I am so glad she gave me that crab! She told me she picked it specifically because it was the most energetic. Reminds me of her.

Sushi Call

So this is going to be the most awkward blog that i will ever write. Awkward for me that it. If you know me you probably know i had a massive crush on a guy named Evan Lapka for about 2 1/2 years. Yes.... crazy i know. I met him in choir my freshman year and he was a senior. Kenzie was one of my first friends at LSA and i talked to her about everything. Evan happened to be the topic a lot of the time. Makenzie also had a crush on Evan for a small period of time. Then after she got over that she just said he was really charming. One day i would mention Evan and she would be like "Katie you are crazy". The next day she would be like "Evan is sooo cute". Anyway, you are probably wondering how this topic has much to do with Kenzie. She was my supporter. Hahaha. I would receive random text from Kenzie saying "Evan will one realize you are his only true love"..... (This is really awkward for me) But it's true. She sent me text all the time like that and we would always talk about him together.

One time Sophomore year we had our choir retreat. We were making prank phone calls and of course i tried to think of anyway possible that i could talk to Evan. I texted Evan and told him to prank call Sherohman. Kenzie then had an idea... She said lets prank call Evan!!! I was like yessss! She used Emilie's phone and called Evan and left a message saying "We have your ten thousand orders of sushi". We were soooo proud of ourselves for some reason. This is one of my favorite memories of Kenzie. I am n

ot sure why, but when i watch this video and she gets sooo excited when his message comes on and smiles really big at the camera. She sorta liked him at this point too. She said he was "adorable".

When i look at my last conversations with Kenzie.. the second to last one was about Evan. I had gone to Starbucks with my boyfriend Sam. I forgot Evan worked at Barnes and Noble and he saw Sam and I and came out and sat down with us and talked. This was soooo awkward for me because Sam knew I used to be obsessed with Evan. Kenzie was asking all of the details and stuff. It was funny. Kenzie also called me once saying "I just talked to Evan at Barnes in Noble". This was wayyy before Sam. My immediate response was "Did you mention me?" hahahaha anyway the point is, is that Kenzie was my Evan discussing buddy.

(The pictures i put up were both taken with the purpose to get Evan in the background)

"Oh i do love you though!"

I would have to say usually i hate my iPhone but one thing about it is, is that it keeps all of my text i have with everyone. I never have to delete text to clear memory. I happen to have all of my text with Makenzie since October 7th, 2008. Sometimes i accidentally click clear all. That is what happened that on October 7th. Luckily i have my very last text with Makenzie.

On June 2nd i was watching movies at Nancy's house. One downside about the iPhone is that it always calls people without me knowing so people will call me back saying "You called me"? and i am like"I don't think so". Anyway, that night my phone decided to call makenzie and David. Makenzie didn't answer the phone because apparently she was watching an intense movie at her house. I told her i accidentally called her and she replied with "Oh lovely =] lol. i thought you just called to tell me you loved me... lol. I didn't respond. I never respond to text that don't require me to text back. The next morning when i woke up.. Or afternoon i guess. I looked through my text that i had received over the night. Makenzie's text still had a green circle by it meaning i hadn't actually gone to our text conversation. I decided to reply for some reason. I have no idea why. I never do that. I am SOOOO THANKFULLLLLL!!!! My last text to her as you can see was on the day she passed away and it said "oh i do love you though!"...... How did i manage to be that lucky?!?! How come i was able to have that as my very last text?!? I compare myself to Emilie and Nancy. Nancy was grounded at the time and wasn't allowed to have her phone so she didn't have a last text. Emilie's last text was something about the SAT. How did i manage to be soooo lucky!! I wish Emilie and Nancy were both as lucky as i was and had the same last text as me. Kenzie knew Emilie, Nancy and I loved her anyway and we knew she loved us but I have it written out!! Somehow it brings comfort to me. Before she passed away "I love you" was the very last thing i said to her. Even though Makenzie didn't respond with a "I love you" back i still know she loved me. And more importantly she knew i loved her.