Trust in You

As i sit here in the dark reading Caitlin Cannon's blog i stumbled upon her post that contained the song played behind the funeral section of Cara's dance dedicated to Makenzie. It's called Sigur 3 by Sigur Ros. I remember vividly hearing everyone sniffling behind me and noticing Nancy, Jenna, and Emilie beside me crying, looking to the dance floor and seeing the dancers crying. Caitlin says to her this song is what heaven sounds like. I don't really know if that is what heaven sounds like but it is now a comforting tune that reminds me of every one's tears for Makenzie. The comforting part being that i know no one will forget her. This song however reminds me of the hardest thing i have ever been through. I remember sitting in the car looking out the window and getting a call on my phone. I looked at it said Makenzie calling. I answered it. It was the first time i had talked to Mrs. Stocker since the accident. I hadn't visited. I didn't know what i was suppose to say. She asked me if i wanted to come to Crowder Funeral Home in 30 mins to see makenzie before the viewing the next day. I said yes. I then called Emilie and Nancy and we all met there, outside the funeral home. We walked in together and our parents followed behind us. When we went inside we hugged Pastor Stocker and Mrs. Stocker and then joined in prayer. Along with Emilie, Nancy, and I was Geo, Mitchell, and Lindsy. Mrs. Stocker told us that she wanted us to be strong at the viewing and that seeing Makenzie before the actual viewing might help us. Before entering the room with Makenzie she reminded us that is was only Makenzie's shell. She wasn't there anymore. She was in heaven. What we were going to see wasn't her. Nancy, Emilie, Me held hands as Mrs. Stocker led us down the aisle towards the open casket. Emilie, Nancy and I stood there crying beside Makenzie for about 2 hours. I held Mak's hand. It was so weird. Mrs. Stocker told us that this was literally what Makenzie's hand felt like in Minnesota during the winter. As we looked at Makenzie, we knew she wasn't there. Her face would have had a smile on it and she wouldn't have sat still for that long of a period, she was too jumpy. It was indeed only her shell and she was with Jesus. It was the hardest and most comforting thing i have ever felt. (Talking about this is even harder then the actual moment of finding out Makenzie had passed.) I knew she was with Jesus. She was living somewhere better now. Better then we could possibly imagine. And Mrs. Stocker was right. Those last 2 hours i got to spend with Makenzie's shell, holding her hand helped sooo much. It helped Emilie and Nancy too. It gave us a sense of closure we needed. We didn't hardly cry at the actual viewing. Those 2 hours were the hours I made myself believe that Jesus really was real. I wasn't going to question it anymore. Sure, i would still question but i was going to put my trust in Jesus and continue to question and not just question by itself. Makenzie believed in heaven. That's where she went and i couldn't imagine it any other way. As i write this blog i am listening to Sigur Ros 3. It just fits the moment.

Youtube Sigur 3

Thankful for Makenzie

So, it's really hard to bring me to tears through just reading. When I read Ecuador – Day 5: “Kellie’s Perspective”today it made me almost come to tears. Not quite but pretty close. I am not sure how i would react if I was actually in Ecuador but from right here in my comfy little red chair i get sooo irritated looking at the Stocker's pictures and not seeing Mak in them. Everything pastor Todd and Mrs. Stocker write about Makenzie would have loved doing!! I get so angry that she wasn't able to go. Why couldn't she have been able to travel to Ecuador before the accident and when she got back I could have sat at lunch diagonal from her like i always did and listen to her go on and on about each individual child. Makenzie's smiling face was awesome and I would always try to respond to whatever she was saying and it just wouldn't make sense because i would put the words in the wrong order or something stupid like that. She would then exchange glances with Emilie and Nancy and then they would all burst out laughing together at the same time. Nancy squinting her eyes, Emilie giving herself whiplash, and makenzie snorting. I want to experience that moment so badly. Why did Makenzie have to pass away? What did she do wrong? Today is thanksgiving though. And what i immediately thought of was Makenzie. Makenzie's death has made me so much more thankful for the lives of my friends and families. What a stinky way to realize how important everyone is... But even my friends in Maryland now get random text about 3 am saying "I love you and you mean mucho to me!!". I don't think they quite understand it.

Makenzie's drawings for thanksgiving in my assignment book

Emilie and Nancy do though. My MD friends haven't experienced what I have but I think they now realize that this can happen to their friends in MD as well. Death is more real. My friend Amanda in MD has gone to the LSA website and saw Makenzie on one of the pages. I didn't even have to point her out. Amanda responded with "I feel like i know the girl!" I also know that my friends in MD have told their mom's about Makenzie and there have been tears shed for Makenzie from people that didn't even know her. I remember having my friend in TX when i still lived in MD telling me about how one of her friends was killed standing at a stop sign near Klein Highschool. I felt sooo bad for her and i remember thinking I can't imagine this happening to any of my friends. It did. Anyway, I am thankful for my friends and everyone else more then i ever have been before! I also just realized this is the most random, unorganized thing i have ever written. Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Love ya!

I had thought for a while now that all of my kenzie related things were gathered into my old physics binder. Somehow that saddened me. Thinking i wouldn't find any more Kenzie doodles or her common phrase written on every ones Bible's, notebooks, homework etc "Love ya!". I walked into my closet to begin cleaning it and the first thing i pick up was a card on the floor. As I am about to toss it into the trash can i open it and it says "Love ya Katie Davis! <3 Kenzie". I smiled and began to think maybe I am glad i never cleaned my closet. I might have quite a few more Kenzie items hidden in there underneath all of my schoolwork from years past. Truth is.. she wrote on everything so i have no idea how long cleaning my closet will take. I don't want to throw anything away that she wrote on, but going through my closet one item at a time to find every little "love ya" message is worth it to me.

The Stocker's chapel

Yesterday, the Stockers flew in from Minnesota and did Chapel at LSA. I had been looking forward to this since they came to Senior Retreat at Carolina Creek. They stopped by in Houston before heading to Ecuador to finish the shoe drive Makenzie had started last year. She collected shoes and pestered every individual at LSA to bring shoes in. She reminded me everyday and would say "Katie, i have been to your house. I have seen your closet downstairs. Bring your shoes!" She knew i never wore any of them. I would explain to her that i had an emotional connection to them. She would roll her eyes, smile, and walk away. I had always planned to bring in shoes for her for i never remembered. Anyway, the chapel was amazing. They talked about going to Ecuador and sang songs that Makenzie used to sing everyday at Chapel. I was determined not to cry but i failed. As soon as I noticed tears running down Nancy's face beside me i gave in. Chapel was just like it use to be. Pastor Todd lead it. Mrs. Stocker would speak for short periods of time. Lindsy would play guitar, Kyle would play the drums, Emilie would sing. Except this time it wasn't Makenzie singing up there with Emilie. It was Mrs.Stocker, Nathan, and Maddie. Emilie told me that she loved singing with them yesterday. She said it was almost like the old times. It was amazing and the student body participated in it like they used too. We knew the songs so everyone sang. Anyway, after chapel I missed bible study. Along with Nancy and Emilie and just sat with the Stockers. Maddie, Emilie, Nancy, and I ended up taking tons of pictures with Maddie. Maddie makes the same faces in pictures that Kenzie used to make. =] Seeing Mrs. Stocker and recognizing the familiar facial expression that Kenzie made were comforting. Just seeing them in general makes me happy. When they left, I was sad again but really glad i saw them. Anyway, they are in Ecuador now to drop off all the shoes Makenzie collected last year. Mrs. Stocker has already uploaded pictures from the first day and it looks amazing!! I really wish Makenzie was able to go with them. I still remember her running up to me in front of the office at LSA and saying " I am going to Ecuador!!!" I responded with "By
yourself?" She answered "No, silly". She told me that her mom would be going with her. Anyway, keep praying for the Stockers and for there trip to go smoothly!!!

Like A Rose

The white rose seems to have become Makenzie's flower. I am not exactly sure how this happened but it has something to do with Mr. Baacke's rose chapel. Mr Baacke read this in Makenzie's memorial service.

"Many of you remember the rose chapel from the fall of 2007. We used white roses to symbolize the forgiveness and newness that God gives us every day. At the end of that
chapel every HS student received a white rose. I want to read a passage from Rob Bell. It’s the words I used to end that chapel....

“Life is messy. Gut wrenching. Risky. Things don’t always turn out well. Sometimes they don’t turn out at all. Sometimes everything falls apart & we wonder if there’s any point to any of it. We’re tempted to shut ourselves off, fortify the walls around our hearts, and forge ahead, promising ourselves that we will never open ourselves up like that again. But I have to believe that we can recover from anything. I have to believe that God can put anything, or anyone, back together. I have to believe that the God who Jesus invites us to trust is as good as He says He is. That God is loving. Forgiving. Merciful. Full of grace. And I have to believe that God does not run out of roses.” I think it’s totally cool to see white roses in the arrangement on Makenzie’s casket." -Mr. Baacke.

Today, above my Makenzie memorial board lies the white rose Mr. baacke gave out during that chapel our freshman year. In Nancy's room above the frame of her and Kenzie lies the white rose. The rose now symbolizes her. I looked at pictures the other day of Kenzie dancing that i hadn't seen before. In some pictures Makenzie had white roses. I thought that was soooo cool! Also, the dance that took place at RAFA in memory of Makenzie used white roses in the dance. White rose petals were tossed in the air and a single white rose was placed in Devin's arms. (Devin represented makenzie's body) Nancy, Joe, and I the other day when to Makenzie's cross at the intersection. White roses are tied up behind her cross along with some other white roses on the ground. At Nancy's we picked roses from her backyard and took them to put on Kenzie's cross. I brought 3 roses along with 1 white rose. The white rose meant more to me then the other 3.

Beam the Teacher

I forgot all about this memory until i began looking through some of Catherine's Hart's photos. Last year i was in PAP Physics with Makenzie. We sat next to each other everyday. One day Mr. Himmler (our teacher) took all of us outside. We didn't exactly know what was going on but we knew it involved eggs. Mr. Himmler proceeded to put his tie dye smock on followed by sunglasses and then a towel around his neck. Mr. Himmler then told us we were going to throw eggs at him. Makenzie was the first one to volunteer. Emilie and I laughed at her as Mr. Himmler gave her a egg. She told us that throwing a egg at a teacher sounded exciting. Our whole class stood behind her as Makenzie lifted her arm with a egg. Makenzie was about to throw it and then she said "really??". Mr. Himmler said yes and she began to raise her arm again. This time Mr. Himmler said "Wait!". Kenzie put her arm down as he readjusted himself. She got ready again and he responded with "wait" again. We soon realized that we were not going to be beaming Mr. Himmler with eggs. It was mildly disappointing. We ended up throwing eggs into a big white sheet. Showing us that no matter how hard we threw the eggs they were not going to break on the sheet. Makenzie threw the egg into the sheet and then told us she was disappointed. She really wanted to throw a egg at Mr. Himmler. She said "I thought he was going to have some cool super power and be able to catch the eggs with his hands!".. She then told me later that when students had him this year she was going to tell them to just immediately throw the egg and not wait for him to say "wait". I don't think he teaches Physics anymore but i was holding her to that to tell the students to beam him with a egg.

"You turned my mourning into dancing"

RAFA (makenzie's dance studio) put on a performance dedicated to Makenzie. It represented before the accident, the accident itself, and the mourning process that took place afterwards. Mrs. Stocker was the first one to tell me about this and the performance first took place on the night of LSA's homecoming. Therefore, no one from LSA went except Alessandra who was in it herself. I wanted to see it then but i didn't want to miss homecoming. Caitlin and i talked and I decided that I would come over to her house sometime and watch the tape. I must admit, i wasn't really sure if i wanted to see the dance. There was a duet in the middle of the performance that had only Caitlin and Aaron. (These were the two in the accident with mak). As leary as i was about going to see it.... RAFA decided to do another show for people at LSA to come see. I went along with Nancy, Emilie, Jenna, and Kirstie. When we arrived at RAFA it was a plain reminder of Kenzie. I had been there only twice before and both times were with her. I looked at the walls and saw Kenzie's smiling face in a good portion of all o the pictures that lined the hallways. I quickly noticed the shadow box dedicated to Makenzie that had a pair of her ballet slippers in it. There was also the Makenzie Stocker Scholarship plaque. It had that picture of her in the grass doing the splits lying on her hands smiling. As the doors opened Nancy, Emilie, Jenna, and I pushed our way through. I sat on the very first row and Nancy and Emilie quickly joined me. I didn't expect the performance to be to hard for me to sit through. I have cried so much that the crying has been slowing down quite a bit. As soon as Cara (the choreographer) began talking about Makenzie, tears began rolling down my face. I didn't understand most of it but i did understand the part where Aaron and Caitlin danced together. Devin, another girl kenzie danced with played Makenzie's body. The three leaped and bounded together and soon Devin laid down on the ground. Caitlin and Aaron approached her and laid a single white rose on her hands. Next thing that made me cry was everyone circled around Devin and began hugging her. I wanted Devin to actually be Kenzie so badly. I wanted to jump up and join that giant hug. I wanted to hug Kenzie at that moment more then i have wanted to hug her since the accident happened. As all of the audience began to cry my tears came faster. Soon, i noticed the dancers crying. This just killed me. Kenzie must have been just as close to all these dancers as she was with Nancy, Emilie, and I. I didn't know who these people were but their tears were for the same thing mine were. I felt like i had known these people forever. As soon as the dance was over, many of the dancers i had never talked to before or even seen before came up to me and started hugging me. They must have recognized my face from Kenzie's pictures. This was amazing. Travis came up and hugged me. I didn't know him but i sure felt like i did. ( Actually we had both met each other at Kenzie's 17th birthday. We just have no memory of this) Makenzie talked about him frequently and seeing him in person and approaching me to just give me a simple hug was somehow very comforting. I still haven't ever talked to Aaron but i hope i will sometime.

Makenzie as a Saint

The other day was All Saints Day. A day to remember loved ones that are already living with Jesus. I didn't think much of it until this year. Our school did a chapel for all saints day. Pastor Jon led the chapel as normal but it wasn't a normal chapel. As we walked in there were 4 flower pots of sand on the stage and i think 4 candles. Pastor Jon invited everyone (teachers and students) to come forward and light a candle off of one of the 4 main candles. No body went up at first but as soon as one person went forward, almost everyone in the room participated. Nancy and I went up and were the first ones to light and place a candle in the sand for one of the pots. We placed ours directly in the middle of the pot and returned to our seats. Tears began to stream down my face as i looked around. I watched as almost every student and teacher placed a candle in the sand. I can't help but think at least 1/3 of all of those candles were for Makenzie. After this, the choir sang Keep Your lamps". This was the very first song i sang with the LSA choir my freshman year when Sherohman was still our teacher. Makenzie and i would harmonize down the hallways. Her singing the alto part and me singing the soprano part. I looked up at all my friends singing. Makenzie was supposed to be up there and I was supposed to be singing it with her. Even though we both were not going to do choir this year, we would have been in the audience harmonizing together while we should have be just listening to the choir. My tears began to come faster and Nancy gave me a tissue to wipe up my mascara. All Saints Day is something i think of in order to remember grandparents or great grandparents. Maybe even a aunt or a uncle... not your 18 year old best friend. I didn't want to remember Kenzie on all saints day. i wanted her here with me remembering loved ones that had passed. I didn't want to remember Kenzie on this day. I just wanted her there sitting beside me.

Bloody arm

As i started bringing out my decorations for Halloween i couldn't help but think about makenzie running around with my rubber bloody cut off arm. She found it highly amusing to play with and even filmed videos of herself with it on my camera. The videos from that day are some of my favorite that i filmed with her. As we were decorating and hanging up spiderwebs Casey, took off and ran away. I went taking off after her as Makenzie sat down in my yard and just began laughing. No help.. Just laughing and then deciding that she should video tape it. So she got a video of me running back with Casey in my arms. Then we would go back to decorating again. As i unpacked my arm this year i wanted makenzie back helping me arrange the decorations. I longed to see her wrap herself up in my spiderwebs and make them all come off the brick again. I wanted her there holding the ladder for me.
This year, Emilie came over for Halloween. We took pictures with the bloody hand and then put it back outside in the front yard again. Sometime throughout the night someone stole that hand. When i got home i asked my parent's where all of our decorations were. They told me someone stolen my arm so they brought everything inside. Somehow, this made me very sad. I sat there on the stairs complaining to Emilie for about 4 mins. I notice that anything of mine that Makenzie played with, wrote with, etc I get slightly protective about. I have a rubber band shaped like a pig that she used to wear around her wrist. I get mad when people shoot it across the room. I try to hold onto everything i have that relates to her.