Many Things

So usually i write about Makenzie when something happens to me during the day that reminds me of a particular memory... Recently it has been the same memories or thoughts over and over again. Nothing new to write about. Today was like BAM! One thing after another. So as normal i arrived at school late and then we immediately had to go to the cafeteria for a speaker to come to talk to us. She was late so Ratjche stood up and told us the Stockers were coming to do chapel 2 weeks from now =] Then he told everyone about the Stockers finishing up Mak's shoe drive. Anyway, after that it was kinda hard. The speaker arrived and what she talked about was drunk driving. She had board after board of people who had been killed in drunk driving accidents. She talked about particular car accidents with details. Several of those reminded me of Kenzie's accident. (even though hers didn't have anything to do with drunk driving). She talked about a certain girl who was driving and her best friend had been flung from the passenger seat out onto the road and instantly killed. That was one phrase she used a lot "Instantly killed". It rung in my head over and over. I have read or heard those words so many times referring to Kenzie. Some of the pictures that she showed us were of 17 and 18 year old girls. I thought of their friends and parents. Why do so many people have to go through the same thing i do? Why do so many people have to lose their friends and kids? It was depressing. The next thing today was bio 2. Joey had gone out and caught a toad for Mr. Baacke to scramble it's brains and watch it's heart beat. This instantly brought me back to the memory from my sophomore year. One day before lunch Kenzie told me to follow her into Baacke's room. She was really excited. As i entered the room Mr. Baacke cautioned me not to follow her. Kenzie pulled me in anyways. When i got to the back of the room Kenzie was leaning over a frog with it's chest cut open and the heart still beating away. Makenzie and Mr. Baacke talked about this for a while and explained how it's heart would start slowing down throughout the day. I believe i was pacing somewhere not close to the table. Thankfully Baacke let the toad go today because of "some sensitive classmates. Not just Katie". It made me really happy =] Next i went to sonic today. I followed Nancy and at the sonic Nancy asked me what i got. I told her i got a kids corn dog meal and Nancy alerted me that i don't like the food at this specific sonic. This was the sonic that i had found a hair in my recesses blast. I gave that to Kenzie. She told me she didn't care. I had also gotten popcorn chicken there before that i didn't like. Kenzie ate that too. I had also gotten a Dr. Pepper once.. but there was a hair on the outside of the cup. Makenzie drank that too. Sure enough when i got the corn dog today... It didn't live up to my standards but i ate it anyway. Makenzie was our trash can. She ate anything. I also remember Makenzie coming home with us one day from school. My dad and mom picked me and Kenzie up together. We went to sonic and sat outside. She ordered a hamburger and one thing i will always remember was that she prayed before she ate. That was sophomore year so that sort of thing still stood out to me.

Beast at Beastie hunting

So yesterday and the day before i beastie hunted. Beastie hunting is what Mr. Baacke makes us do. We go outside and collect water from ponds or ditches, then we let them sit under a light for a week. The "Beasties" have multiplied by then and we are more likely to find them under the microscope. Beasties are small critters like Cyclops, Rotifers, Water Bear, Round Worm, Segmented Worms, etc. Anyway, I am in Bio 2 now and our class did this over the past 3 days. In Bio 1 we did this lab with a partner. Makenzie was my partner. We had so much fun beastie hunting together. I remember that when i would find something under the microscope Makenzie would begin calling Mr. Baackes name to come over and see what i found. She would always then ask to look before Mr. Baacke got to see it. She would always look down and try to follow it by moving the slide but she was never quick enough and ALWAYS lost the darn little critter. Then without Baacke confirming we saw something we wouldn't get any points. This aggravated me so much but the fact she lost it EVERY SINGLE TIME was soooo amusing. She became the slide maker and i was the only searcher. I stunk at making good slides with beasties in it. Makenzie always made a good slide and i could always find something interesting. So we were a good pair, as long as i didn't let her get a peak at the critter. lol. After Makenzie and I figured this out (that she would be the slide maker and i would be the searcher) we did amazing! We were constantly finding things. We got a lot of points. I tried to look through my labs from bio 1. Makenzie must have kept that lab because I don't have it. This year i worked in a group with about 6 people. I couldn't help wish that makenzie would have been by my side yelling "Mr. Baacke, Mr. Baacke! Katie found something" then asking to see it and then having it be gone by the time he got to our microscope. I always remember the time of beastie hunting because after she bugged Mr. Baacke to let her hold his iguana, Mordy. When he let her she was so excited. He put it on her shoulder or maybe she crawled up there. Her nails got stuck in Makenzie hair and when he finally took Mordy off she was scratched all over her arm and neck. I honestly don't think she even realized she was scratched. She did that "Ahh ahh" with her eyes real wide looking all excited thing that she does.

The Owl

Somehow as i walked into my room today i looked at my dresser and remembered the necklace Kenzie always wore. It was that owl necklace with something blue on it. It wasn't tight. It was a long chain but today as i looked at my dresser i remembered by birthday party. Somehow during that party her necklace broke. She came up and showed it to me and said look. I didn't know how to respond.. I believe i replied with a sorry but i don't remember. She sat it on the corner of my dresser. Whenever she came to my house she would forget something. She left that owl necklace at my house. At school i told her she had left it and she had no interest in getting it back. She didn't care. She told me she didn't want it back. "It's broken". I didn't pay attention to what she said. I wanted to get everything out of my house that was left from my party. I wanted everything that wasn't mine to be gone. Socks etc. I gave that broken chain and owl necklace back to Makenzie. She took it anyway. I don't know if she threw it away or whatever but I wish i had kept it. She didn't care about it and told me not to give it back to her. I wish i had listened to her. I could have thread that little owl on a new chain. Or she could have even thread that little owl on a new chain and continued wearing it. I wonder what she did with it.

Makenzie Days

So maybe my makenzie dream wasn’t a good thing. The dream almost is like teasing me. I remember it in such detail that it seems real. The thing bothering me recently was at the time of makenzie death when I thought about memories they didn’t seem like memories. I didn’t know what to call them because memories seemed like the past. Now, all of my makenzie moments are memories and will always be memories. I know I won’t have any new memories to make with her in the future. My dream felt so real it was almost like that to could be a memory. She was grabbing me touching my hand to her arm and telling me that she was here. The dream almost seems like it’s teasing me. I miss her voice I miss her wearing her hair in a French braid and trying to keep it over one shoulder but it wasn’t quite long enough to just stay over her shoulder if she moved her head around.
Last night I had more dreams. Once again I remembered them. Every dream I had… or maybe it was all one dream, involved someone dying. 3 people died and one person was in a head on car accident and was completely brain dead. None of their deaths had anything to do with another. One of the people I didn’t know that died. It was some random LSA graduate but a graduate from the original LSA campus. One of the people that died I am pretty sure I was crying about in my sleep but I am not totally sure. I am not going to say the people that died because that would just be strange. Today was one of those days that I dub my “Makenzie days”. Those are the days that not a minute passes where I am not thinking about her. Usually at the end of my Makenzie days I cry really hard. I went to a movie with my parents today and I was crying during it. The movie didn’t have any relation to Kenzie. Except people kept dying and their were caskets. I know she isn’t here anymore but sometimes it just hits me that my one of my best friends is dead. And when that thought occurs I can’t hold back the tears.
When I got home I went up stairs took a shower and was crying harder this time. I texted Emilie and told her about my dreams last night and told her I was having a hard time at the moment. Now, I have a hard time calling people when I am upset. After the accident I would call Emilie usually. Sometimes Nancy. I feel like I shouldn’t do that anymore. It will just make them upset when they were fine at the moment. I thought about calling my best friends, Maddi from MD tonight. She knows all about Mak.. All of my friends up there do. It was 11 something here and 12 something there. She was asleep and I woke her up =/. Bad thing is, is that my Makenzie moments are usually at night. Ugg I miss Mak.

My dream

Yesterday i looked through my assignment books from sophomore and junior year. Some reason i wrote the most random things down. Today at school was the testing day. We have a testing day every year at school Sophomore year testing day was on October 17th. I looked at that day and on the day i had written "Kenzie broke her wrist =[" I never even knew she broke it until the next day. If i remember correctly she danced off the stage by accident. After texting Mrs. Stocker today and dicussing Kenzie related things, i took a nap. I had a dream about Makenzie. I don't think i have dreamed about her since the week of the accident.. In my dream we were back at school and I i was in Mr. Schultz class and Kenzie was in someone else's class. I knew Makenzie would be back at school that day so i was overjoyed. The weird thing was that Makenzie had still been in the accident and if i am correct she had passed away. Somehow she came back though. All she had was a broken wrist. Makenzie had been gone for the amount of time she has been gone now. I told Mr. schultz i saw Kenz so he let me go see her. I ran to her and hugged her. She complained about me squishing her wrist so I let go. She didn't remember being gone and just remembered the day of the accident but not the accident itself. I hugged her again and i became teary eyed. In real life i would be sobbing but some reason i was only teary eyed. Mainly because i was asking questions constantly. In the room she was in which i think was Mr. Robbins there were birthday signs everywhere saying happy birthday Kenzie. Her birthday had passed while she was gone. She didn't really understand why people were celebrating her birthday in October. I explained to her it had passed while she was in heaven. She didn't grasp this but she was excited for presents. After that we sat down and i stuck my legs out and she laid down with her head in my lap like she used to do begging me to play with her hair. We talked and i let her know how important she was to me. She reassured me while laughing that she was here now. ( i have a text from her on May 22nd that sayss "haha aw well im there in spirit? :)" That reminded me of my dream. I wish she was here now.

Just Dance

Well if there was anything Makenzie loved to do, she loved to dance. This past Saturday was LSA's homecoming. Plan making this year was a mess. Usually Makenzie planned everything out for every dance and said "Here, this is what we are doing. This is the time. Be there". This year we tried to make plans over facebook messages between about 18 people. It was a mess. Slight drama was involved. I wished Makenzie was there to make the plans for us. Even though Makenzie made plans for every dance i never once ended up following through with them. Nancy, Emilie, and Kenzie would but i would always end up doing something else. I regret that. ( There are so many things i say "what if"or "I wish" i had done this). They had such a great time. They went on a boat once. I look at those pictures and wonder why i didn't just stick with the orginal plan.
This year at homecoming Makenzie wasn't there to dance with Nancy. Emilie and I are terrible dancers so we both just usually stood there doing our own robotic dance while Kenzie and Nancy boogied. Makenzie would pester me to dance. She would say "Katie, JUST DANCE" She would grab my hips and move them from side to side or pick up my arms and make wild crazy movements. She didn't understand why i was so reluctant. She wasn't there this year annoying me. She would have been so proud of me. I thought about it and i tried dancing. I had a blast this year. I danced more then i have ever danced in my life. Not only did i dance to have fun but i was thinking i was dancing a little for Kenzie. She would have been very happy with me. =] I still have pictures with her from dances but this year after i got home and looked at the pictures everyone took. They were great pictures but it was only Nancy, Emilie, and I. Didn't seem right

Homecoming Game

This year's homecoming game was miserable... Not only did it rain the entire game but I didn't have Makenzie sitting beside me. This year Sam did come back and watch the game with me. But i looked over at him about half way through the game and told him this was sooo weird. He asked why and i explained that usually I have Emilie and Kenzie sitting right there beside me cheering the team on. Emilie is now in strutters so I would have sat all alone if it wasn't for Sam. I am used to having Makenzie sitting directly behind me tugging on my hair or snuggling together to keep warm on the cold metal stands. Or having Makenzie point out to me where Nancy or Katelyn was dancing on the field. We usually didn't watch the game though. We would wander around. My most vivid memory was when i was sitting beside Kenzie and Emilie once and while the cheerleaders did their routine, Catherine held her "Go Fight Win" sign upside down so i was screaming "Go Fight Nim". I believe that was my first football game i ever went too. Makenzie made so much fun of me the next day. We also bought a pickle a the concession stand and we took pictures biting the separate ends. We tried to be like Lady and the Tramp but it didn't work. It ended up just falling on the ground in between us and that was the end of the pickle. I had fun with Sam but i would prefer i had both of them together with me

The other day Nancy alerted me that she ha

d a picture of me, kenzie, and emilie all in chapel on spirit day. Nancy never uploaded it because she thought she looked bad. I took my USB and went to her house and put it on facebook. This year as we sat there in chapel nancy said lets take the exact same picture over again. The only thing different was that there was no Kenzie.

Tear Drops of My Guitar

The other day i heard the song Tear Drops on my Guitar by Taylor Swift. I realized I didn't know the lyrics anymore. Why? Because Kenzie made up our own lyrics to the song to show her feelings on our bible study class... I tried to contribute to the lyric making process... However she didn't like my ideas. Somehow Emilie joined us at one point. She knows the lyrics too. These were the lyrics.

___ looks at me

I fake a smile so he won't see

That I hate his class

When he teaches it to me

He isn't beautiful

Nobody talks about

And he is what my nightmares are

about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar

The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star

_______________________________________

I don't remember the rest. When didn't mind the class that much but it was fun to make up a song too. We took full advantage of it. When that song comes on the radio i sing those lyrics. I remember walking over the over pass just singing with Emilie and Kenzie to that song. It makes me laugh to think about.

Field Day

So today was the first day of spirit week. Usually on this day Emilie, Nancy, Kenzie and I would spend the entire day together goofing off and taking pictures. We did the same thing as normal.. just no kenz. I did the water relay like i always did and missed having Kenzie not understanding the concept of passing the water over your head keeping the bucket upright. Instead she would just flip the entire bucket upside down. I found this picture to the left. Whenever we do the water relay someone falls. Sophomore year Kenzie fell. This year Anthony fell. It was amusing. I also didn't get to see Kenzie doing the orange pass with everyone. As i watched the orange pass today i thought of Makenzie coming up to the fence and telling me to take her picture. When i saw Mr. Bangert monitoring the orange pass i thought about Makenzie standing and talking to him about oranges and the rules. Not seeing the boys fight over who got to carry kenzie for the piggy back races this year was also strange. The task to find the smallest girl started from scratch. I don't think i mentioned Kenzie once today but I was thinking about her a good amount. As i stared at our class it just seemed different. Not having Kenzie do the clothes relay and seeing her attempt to run across the gym with shoes on that were 6 sizes to big for her was strange. I also remember sophomore year and i stood beside Kenzie in the egg toss. Mrs. Stocker was going around us taking pictures. I didn't think it would be that different but something just felt off.

The little things

Today was a very good day. It was one little thing that made the day great. The high school received t

heir class shirts today. When i saw Anthony put it on i ran to his back and looked for Makenzie's name. There under the S's like it always was "Makenzie Stocker

". Not only did it say Makenzie Stocker but there was a little cross beside her name. This made my day, I had been very persistent about getting that small little cross on there. Olivia came up with the idea in the class shirt meeting and I loved it. No one disagreed with the idea but i wanted to make sure it actually happened. I began pestering Mr. Baacke over text messages. He was fine with the idea so i didn't have to say much. I just wanted something that distinguished her name from the others.

Throughout the day I noticed the classes putting there class shirts on. I couldn't help but think about field day where Makenzie and I had a ball taking pictures in the choir room. We jumped off of chairs and Katelyn would snap a picture of us in mid- air. I even stood on a chair and had kenzie climb up and then get on my back while I was standing on the chair.... very stupid when i think about it. We made pyramids and tried thinking of every possible pose to take a picture of. I won't have that this year with Kenzie.... Makes me sad to think about.