Changes

I move into college in 12 days and everything seems to be changing. I feel like i am leaving so much behind. My parents are moving into a smaller house and i HATE change. Makenzie helped me with change when i moved to Texas. She would leave little messages in my assignment books next to my messages of I HATE TX. As i pack for college i am finding more of her little notes in old assignment book and such. With my parents moving i think to myself "Makenzie will never set foot in my new house" or i think but Makenzie spent the night in my house i live in now and swam in my pool. She won't do this in my new house. The room i fall asleep in every night currently she slept in before with me. Knowing that at the new house my parents move into won't have any Makenzie related memories makes me sad. As hard as it is for me to say. Her laugh isn't as clear in my mind anymore. Her responses to things that i would say aren't prominent in my brain. It's annoying. I am moving on with life and she isn't really coming with me and i can't create new memories with her and the ones i have are fading. I changed out the pictures in my black frames above my bed yesterday. No new pictures of Makenzie made it in but one of her came out. I left the one of just me and her together. It seemed rude to take it out. So every picture is from senior year and then there is 1 from freshman year with Makenzie. Her dad's blog is no longer just dedicated to her. And with everything going on right now i feel like am being forced to leave her behind and i am no ready too. I can still share her story with everyone. Emilie and I are both bringing our Makenzie collages to college with us to hang up in our room but the pictures seem old now. I can't help but want new ones of us.

Comfort

I know of this guy. One of his best friends died two days ago on the way home from a friends house. This wasn't a car accident. She was murdered. She was beaten badly and then put back into her car, dead. I can't imagine how i would handle this. The fact knowing someone PURPOSEFULLY killed my best friend is unimaginable. Knowing this girl was probably so scared when she died. It's just hard to think about. Makenzie was not purposefully killed. It was a accident. Much easier to forgive. Makenzie was also texting Wes and was perfectly happy when she passed away. I can't imagine dealing with knowing my friend was unhappy, scared, and in pain. Also, a guy at Lake died recently in his sleep. He was 18 and a only child. Seeing my friends mourn the loss brings me right back to terrible memories of me missing Makenzie. I have trouble comprehending the fact that someone who has passed away is happier then me. It confuses me. Right now, Nancy and Emilie are both out of town. I miss them like crazy and it's only been 7 days since i have seen nancy and like 4 since i have seen Emilie. I would even go more crazy if i couldn't text them and get daily updates on what they are doing. It makes me feel sorry for Makenzie. Knowing she can't have any contact with her best friends, parents, family, etc. But then i am reminded of the fact that she doesn't miss us. She is happier then me because she was a christian who met God face to face last year. She is overwhelmed with Christ i would assume and is doing nothing but glorifying him. Why would she sit up in heaven and cry about missing us if she is in the presence of Christ. She is happy. I just have to hope that (this guys) friend knew Christ and that his friend is happier then us too right now. It gave me comfort that Makenzie is happier then she ever was here and i hope (this guy) gets the same comfort when thinking about his friend because without that piece of information, i would have been a wreck.

Two Birthdays

8:08 pm on June 3rd 2009 was Makenzie Rebekah Stockers heavenly birthday. I sometimes wonder if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven. If they do then that much mean they would be celebrating on June 3rd rather then May 3rd (earthly birthday). It's weird thinking about getting a new birthday. Anyway, today many many people celebrated Makenzie's heavenly birthday. I like to use the word "celebrate" because that's what I should be doing. Somehow my "celebrating" means crying. I should be "celebrating" because Makenzie got a new birthday and maybe even she gets to celebrate two birthdays a year now! Wouldn't that be amazing if we got to have two birthdays a year without aging!?!? Sounds fantastic to me! Anyway, we all (massive group of students and a few teachers) went to the Anton's house to eat and gather, enjoy each other's company, and "celebrate" mak's life on earth and her rebirth in heaven. Now that i am thinking about it.. why do we look at those two dates side by side with the slash in the middle as a sad thing? Why don't we smile? It's not a birthday and a death day. It's the person's two birthdays! We should smile. Not cry. But anyways i randomly just thought of that and got of track. (You can tell i am not on my ADHD meds...) After hanging at the Anton's we all made our way down to Mak's cross. There were several flowers and random objects such as a wind up dinosaur there already. The Royal Academy of Fine Arts students all went down there this morning and released balloons with messages to Kenzie and left flowers. We got there and laid more flowers down. Took pictures, prayed, and sang. The weird thing for me was that I didn't cry. I teared up and a few tears flowed but I didn't cry. I almost felt bad for not crying but I guess i was actually "celebrating". I sat here and read all of the awesome comments everyone left on Makenzie's wall yesterday. I think Anna Rigby put it the best way. She said "I miss you more than a little facebook wall post could possibly express". I always look at Kenzie's wall and I try to think of something to write but the words i come up with never seem to do it justice. I think Makenzie knows how much we all love her. Why am I stressing over a silly little facebook wallpost? Anyway, LOVE YA MAK! I hope you had an awesome first birthday!

The Year Mark

As i lay here on my couch. Tears begin to flow. Seeing the 6/3/10 on the TV screen started it all. I never knew a simple combination of numbers and slashes could make me cry. The weather is making everything worse. It is lightning, thundering, and pouring rain outside. I think of this as sadness but Joe tells me this is everyone in heaven celebrating from gaining such an amazing person on this day last year. Everyone is playing in the sprinklers, bowling, and dancing under disco balls. I prefer to think of it Joe's way. The amount of tears that will be shed tomorrow by everyone who knew Makenzie might equal the amount of rain we get tonight. But i digress. Today marks a year since Mak met Jesus. Even though at this exact time she would have been alive, i can't help but already start to tear up. People's words of encouragement make me feel good such as "I am thinking about you today" but they also make the tear ducts jump into action. I can't believe it's been a year. Well sorta. I feel like i haven't seen her in forever but i feel like June 4th and that awful morning were not that long ago. There has been so many Kenzie related events though. I don't know if all the kenzie events helped the mourning process or just carried it out longer. I still think about Makenzie all the time and i still bring her up in conservation daily. It saddens me now hearing music. I cannot distinguish between music that Kenzie knew and music that has came out since she passed away. I'll be singing and think to myself "Kenzie would love this song" then i wonder "wait, maybe she did know it". I can't believe i have now completed an entire year without talking to a best friend. I didn't know it was possible. There is so much i want to tell her. I want to hug her. Her bracelet brings be comfort and i squeeze it within the palm of my hand but it has nothing near the same effect as giving her a hug. I realize she is happier now and she doesn't feel saddened being apart from us but i wish she could have been here for graduation, prom, senior trip, etc. I feel like she has missed out on so much but yet i know i am the one missing out on the great time she is having in heaven. Not for one second would she choose between sitting on a bus for 25 hours to reach a fun place or just being in a fun place. It sounds like such a silly comparison. I just wish she could have experienced more stuff here on earth with me before taking that permanent vacation. I set my default picture on facebook to one of me and Mak. Just like everyone else. My status on facebook it about Makenzie. Just like everyone else. I guess this is all in honor of her and expressing our love for her but it just seems like it is not enough. That's my thoughts for the night. I will write tomorrow too after all of the Makenzie events take place. Love you Makenzie.

Makenzie Scholarship and The Bracelet

So i knew tonight was the night the Stocker's would hand out the Makenzie Scholarship. Applicants had to write a essay and i had submitted one quite a while ago. I couldn't wait for the Stocker's to hand out the scholarship. I was almost positive it would be Emilie so I didn't have my hopes to high. When the Stocker's went up they began to read the essay of one of the applicants. The essay was mine. I began crying immediately. I went up and received a certificate (two in fact. One that said Kathryn Davis and one that said Katie Davis. They didn't know which name i would prefer on it =]) Then they read a part of another essay and it was Olivia Hatch. And then part of another essay and it was Emilie Finke! I was sooo happy we all three got it. As if that wasn't enough to make my day..... Before i could even see the Stocker's they had left. So had Mitchell (Mak's old boyfriend). When i got in the parking lot my mom gave me a James Avery Bag. She said Mrs. Stocker gave it to her and she was sure i would recognize it. I opened the card first and i began to cry. I knew what was in the box. It was Makenzie's Bracelet. The one Mitchell gave to her for her 17th birthday. She wore it all the time and even had it on at her viewing. I immediately cried. With Mitchell's permission they gave it to me. They even added a charm for me. It says "and lo, i am, with you always". I don't think i have cried this much for a long long time. I am still overwhelmed and may add more to this later. I can not express in words how honored i am to have this. She loved this bracelet so much.

Thank you so much Stocker family and Mitchell. This is most likley the most cherished item i have. I can't express in words how awesome this is. Thank you

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today Makenzie slept over at my house for the first time.

A year ago today she was swimming in my pool

A year ago today she was keeping me awake all night watching pride and prejudice.

A year ago today she gave me my hermit crab (whom is still alive today).

A year ago today she was playing wii with me and making me watch the raving rabbid make it's funny noises.

A year ago today Makenzie volunteered to be the only one to sleep on the floor.
A year ago today she ran around my pool saying "French braiding time

A year ago today she farted on my bed and she turned around and looked at us and said "sorry guys".

A year ago today she slipped in my shower and got water in her eyes.

A year ago today she ate at Don Picos with me.

A year ago today she ate more cookie cake then anyone else.

A year ago today she told my mom that she was her "favorite-ist mom besides my own"

A year ago today she broke her owl necklace.

A year ago today she borrowed my shirt that says "shut up and ride". (I haven't worn it since)

A year ago today she pretended a bra was her eyes.

A year ago today she wore my bathing suit.

A year ago today she was laughing with me and setting her facebook status to "come percy we must be squeaky clean for the new world"

A year ago tomorrow she wished me happy birthday for the last time. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE DAVIS!!! Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear katie davis who is the most awesomest person ever.....errrrr.... happy birthday yo you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wish u were here Mak. You created the most memories out of anyone at my birthday party last year.

No texting in Heaven... or Australia

So... as many of you know Emilie has been in Australia for quite a long time now and it is getting to be very annoying. She left her phone here in Texas so she wouldn't be tempted to text us long distance. Soooo... she has dial up internet there so she rarely ever gets on facebook and when she does its when I am asleep here because of the time difference so I never know whats going on with her. It's starting to feel similar to went Mak passed away because no matter how many times i would text her phone i knew I wouldn't be getting a response. I am constantly texting Emilie about everything but i know i won't get a response any time soon. Well now i know i will because she is coming back in two days but really I miss Emilie soooo much now. However, I was very sad about Makenzie but I know i am seeing Emilie in a few days so i am not sad. Just missing her. Missing both of them.

Anyway, since i am on the topic of Makenzie and Emilie i thought i would tell a Makenzie, Emilie memory. Sooo... it was April Fools Day and Makenzie was super gullible. David and Emilie were best friends so Mak heard from someone that Emilie and David were dating. She got all excited and when she saw them later that day in the gym at play practice for the Wizard of Oz (David was just hanging out there) Mak confronted them. We all knew Mak and David weren't really dating, Emilie was the only un informed person. Later on Emilie found out and Em and David were very happy about how well their April Fools joke played out =] i am thinking about this and realizing this prbly isn't funny for anyone to read.. I think you had to be there but anyways it was amusing at the time. ( I don't remember all the details either because i didn't play a big role in this joke on Mak..I just watched it and was informed not to let Mak know it was a joke. When Emilie gets back hopefully she will add the details in a comment. If i just bring this joke up it makes her day haha)

Defying Age

So i have been having trouble recently coming up with new memories to write. I have plenty of memories I haven't written about but that's because they are so short I wouldn't be able to write much of anything. However yesterday I remembered a new one. So my mom has this thing for makeup that makes you look younger. She always buys it and then says it doesn't work. Then the next thing you know she has more makeup that makes you look younger. She has tons of this stuff. Anyway, she had bought two lip glosses that were supposed to make your lips look younger. She quickly deemed them useless and gave them to me. She had also complained that they were too sticky. She had opened one and the other one was still in the wrapper. I used one and also decided it was to sticky. I brought them to school with me the next day. I whipped them out of my bag and said does anyone want some age defying makeup? Makenzie being Makenzie jumped at the chance to get any free item. Annsley was the second one to jump up and ask for the second tube. Makenzie got the tested (more pinkish) color and Annsley got the redder color. I remember Ms. Geiger telling them to sit down. They both quickly applied their new lip gloss and Makenzie told me she loved it and it was going to make her look so much younger. That's about it for that memory but i do remember her having it in her purse with her a good while after I gave it to her.

Love of Obama

So as many of you know Makenzie was not Obama's biggest fan. I just realized it's been over a year since he became president. I clearly remember our History teacher sharing his views on Obama and Makenzie laughing and agreeing. Then again, i think Catherine and myself were the only ones in the room that liked him. Whenever Obama came up in a conversation I would immediately try to defend him with the limited information i knew. Makenzie would tell me we couldn't be friends anymore. (jokingly). I remember the inauguration. Our school got to watch it live and students were split up into different rooms to watch it. Makenzie and I were both put together in the same room. We made our way to Mr. Benson's room and Makenzie was going off about how America was making a mistake. (Thank goodness it was Obama over Hillary though. She would have never stopped talking if she got it) I knew she would be talking to me the entire period. We sat down together and I remember the lights going off. Makenzie and I both were scared that some bad guy would do something or hurt Obama in some way. The memory that stands out to me was Makenzie talking the whole time (quietly) about the lady that sang with a big bow in her head. Or maybe it was a bow on her dress. Either way I am pretty sure she was talking to me but i just fell asleep. I didn't plan that but i did. When class was over Makenzie kept talking about the bow and that she didn't like the singing. She was so irritable about him becoming president but when we left i don't think she even mentioned him, only the lady with the bow.

When do i stop?

I have started wondering within the last 3 or 4 months if people get annoyed when I bring up Makenzie. I don't want to annoy people but in everyday conversations with people i reference my friends such talking to Sam today about all the names the police have. He named po po and i said "Oh i know! Nancy calls the police the po po." Things like that. Everything i talk about with people I tend to relate to my friends. Nobody thinks anything of it if i say things about Nancy or Emilie but if i relate something to Makenzie it seems to make everything awkward. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish people wouldn't try to not bring her up around me anymore. I am okay with it now. I am used to the fact that she isn't here. I miss her like crazy but i am strong enough now not to cry at every mention of her. I like relating things to her. It makes it seem like she was just here with me not that long ago. It's something Makenzie used to do or something Makenzie used to say. It really doesn't mean we have to change the topic. I was just pointing something out. However, when i do feel sad about her now or bring her up with people in school that aren't my best friends I am thinking "are they just plain sick of hearing about Makenzie?" I don't want to annoy people but to be honest, I still think about Makenzie just as much as I did a month after she passed away. I am just not as emotional now. I also don't want people to think i have forgotten about makenzie so i do want to bring her up but at the same time i don't want to annoy people. Haha this is becoming a constant thought of mine.

2010

The last day of December i think i mentioned Makenzie more then i have in one day in quite some time. I kept thinking that i would never see Makenzie in 2010. That new application on facebook.... My year in photos? I think that's what it's called. My friends have done it and in some of them Makenzie shows up in them. She was part of my year. She could be in my "year in photos". There isn't a chance that she will show up in it if they have it again at the end of 2010. I know i wouldn't be seeing Makenzie much this year if she really did end up doing what she had planned too. Working in Disney World for the second semester of senior year. But it still hurts knowing she isn't even going to even be in Disney World. I know she was going to return to receive her diploma with me on the very same night though. She won't be taking the diploma in her own hands. Instead it will be her mom or dad. I thought Makenzie was never part of my senior year but i remember getting a text from her the day after the seniors of 09 graduated. She said we are seniors!! I responded with "Nicole says we aren't until we enter the first day of our senior year". Makenzie responded with a "whatever, we are!." So if i go by that... Makenzie participated a few days in my Senior Year. Anyway, read her dad's blog about Makenzies 09 resolutions. It's amazing.

http://toddstocker.wordpress.com/2010/01/01/i-want-to-witness-a-miracle/