The worst morning ever

So i debated on whether to write on this or not because it upsets me when i think about it but i want to have to written out and for some reason, i don't want to forget anything about that day. It doesn't make sense to me but i have been told i am weird my entire life. In case you didn't figure out the morning i am talking about was the morning of June 4th.

We had gone crazy from crying so much

It was a normal morning for me. I had planned on sleeping in until around 2pm like i usually did. As if waking up early wasn't enough to ruin my day, i was given the news that Makenzie had died. I was sleeping in my bed and it was around 10:15 am. My mom heard frantic knocking on the door or maybe it was ringing. I don't remember. Anyway, my mom ran downstairs in her pajamas and opened the door. Katelyn Norman was standing there crying and could hardly talk. She asked my mom if i was home and then ran
upstairs into my room. I was still sleeping and was awakened by her heaving breathing and sobbing. She threw herself onto my bed and said the worst words i have ever heard "Makenzie died Katie. Makenzie died!.". I was incapable of processing this information at the time and just sat up in my bed and stared at Katelyn. My mom came and sat on the bed and had heard Katelyn telling me Kenzie died. She sat down and hugged Katelyn. They were both sobbing together now and i was just sitting up straight in my bed starring at my wall. As i slowly looked around my room i saw Makenzie's face everywhere. All over my bulletin board, in my picture frames, my assignment book still on the ground from the end of school. As i sat there not really understanding what had just happened i hear Katelyn say, "Poor little Kenzie". She couldn't breathe, honestly i have never seen someone cry so hard. I must have sat in my bed not moving for at least another 20 mins. with Katelyn just sitting there on my bed. It didn't hit me and I was incapable of crying. When i first heard Katelyn say it i thought it was a joke or something. It never occurred to me that my best friend could die.

After a good while i began moving around on my bed and getting my phone to see if anyone had texted me. I didn't have any text. My mom went downstairs and checked the message machine only to find a message from Mr. Finke about what had happened. There was also another message from Mrs. Norman saying that Katelyn was on her way over and that my mom might want to warn me before Katelyn got there. Of course we weren't awake though. I texted Sherohman like i always do if i have any big news. Right when i did this the tears hit me. I had never cried so hard in my life. I never knew i was capable of having so many tears come out of my eyes. He left school (summer hadn't started yet for them at Dickinson) and came over to my house. Soon i found myself, my mom, katelyn, and Mrs. Norman all sitting around my kitchen table. As Katelyn and I sobbed i called the Wukashes home phone since Nancy was grounded at the time and didn't have her phone. A very sad sounding Bonnie picked up and asked who was calling. She then gave the phone to Nancy. Soon, the Wukasches, Finke's, and Normans were all at my house. The first person that called me that day to talk to me about Kenzie was Dimitri... I will never forget this. Dimitri.... all we ever do is insult each other. He called and said," I am sorry" as i walked alone around the pool. I won't ever forget that. Dimitri DOES have a nice side. hahaha

After a little bit everyone got in cars and drove to LSA. There we met Joe, and a few others that I can't remember at the moment. We sat on the island by Buchman's room and soon found ourselves surrounded by Mr. Schultz, Little Baacke, Mr. Himmler, Mrs. Morgan and Mr. Ratjche. We sat there crying for a while. Well most of us were crying. After hanging there for a long time we went to Geiger's room to look at the choir scrapbooks that had Makenzie in it. Finally we left the school. Mrs. Morgan was now one tissue box shorter then she was before. Nancy took it =]. Then Nancy, Katelyn, Kristina, and I went to IHop. Nancy stuffed herself with chocolate chip pancakes and then I ate the rest of them. I felt sooooo sick. Emilie went to the Stocker's house and a few others came back to my house including Zane and Kristina . It was the longest day ever. Nancy and Emilie stayed the longest. We ended the day with writing her name out on balloons and taking pictures for some reason. That's what happened that day. I hope i will never have to go through something like that again.

Percy Makenzie

The day of my 17th birthday party, Makenzie was the second one to arrive. She looked so excited. I didn't understand why until i looked into her hands and saw what she was holding. Something that always makes my day. My smile was huge, and her seeing me smile made her smile. It was one of those things i loved. A PetCo box saying caution live animal inside!! Animals have always been a big part of my life. I quickly began questioning her. "Would i think it's cruel to leave it in it's box over night?" "Does it have water?". I didn't want to open it till everyone was there but i decided i couldn't wait. I open the little box and inside was a little hermit crab. It had a strange little creature painted on it's shell that no one could identify. With the hermit crab she gave me some food for it. Luckily I still had all of my hermit crab supplies. Makenzie watched me as i ran around my house searching for sand, bark, sponges and a cage. As i began setting up it's tank Makenzie said "Name it Makenzie!". I said no because i had done that before and it always made me feel weird when a pet would die that was named after a friend.

I ran downstairs and told my parents. My mom gave me a sarcastic "Oh yeah!" and i think my dad growled. When Katelyn Norman arrived at my house she kept saying "Come Percy we must be squeaky clean for the new world!" from Pochanotus.. Over the night somehow the hermit crab became named Percy. Everyone kept saying that line too! "come Percy we must be squeaky clean for the new world" over and over again. If you look back at Makenzie status on facebook from March 29 or 30th i believe that's what her status says. We all set our status to that. I remember as we were going out to swim that night Makenzie went up to my mom and said "Did you see what i gave Katie?" My mom said yes very happily when i knew inside she was going "Oh great, now we will have to go to the pet store and buy more hermit crab decorations". Especially after the fact that my dad had just made the rule no more buying pets.

Now, Percy is my living memory of Makenzie. Whenever that little crab passes away i will probably cry harder for it then any other hermit crab i have lost in the past. After Makenzie passed i remembered her telling me to name it after her. I decided to make Makenzie it's middle name. I am so glad she gave me that crab! She told me she picked it specifically because it was the most energetic. Reminds me of her.

Sushi Call

So this is going to be the most awkward blog that i will ever write. Awkward for me that it. If you know me you probably know i had a massive crush on a guy named Evan Lapka for about 2 1/2 years. Yes.... crazy i know. I met him in choir my freshman year and he was a senior. Kenzie was one of my first friends at LSA and i talked to her about everything. Evan happened to be the topic a lot of the time. Makenzie also had a crush on Evan for a small period of time. Then after she got over that she just said he was really charming. One day i would mention Evan and she would be like "Katie you are crazy". The next day she would be like "Evan is sooo cute". Anyway, you are probably wondering how this topic has much to do with Kenzie. She was my supporter. Hahaha. I would receive random text from Kenzie saying "Evan will one realize you are his only true love"..... (This is really awkward for me) But it's true. She sent me text all the time like that and we would always talk about him together.

One time Sophomore year we had our choir retreat. We were making prank phone calls and of course i tried to think of anyway possible that i could talk to Evan. I texted Evan and told him to prank call Sherohman. Kenzie then had an idea... She said lets prank call Evan!!! I was like yessss! She used Emilie's phone and called Evan and left a message saying "We have your ten thousand orders of sushi". We were soooo proud of ourselves for some reason. This is one of my favorite memories of Kenzie. I am n

ot sure why, but when i watch this video and she gets sooo excited when his message comes on and smiles really big at the camera. She sorta liked him at this point too. She said he was "adorable".

When i look at my last conversations with Kenzie.. the second to last one was about Evan. I had gone to Starbucks with my boyfriend Sam. I forgot Evan worked at Barnes and Noble and he saw Sam and I and came out and sat down with us and talked. This was soooo awkward for me because Sam knew I used to be obsessed with Evan. Kenzie was asking all of the details and stuff. It was funny. Kenzie also called me once saying "I just talked to Evan at Barnes in Noble". This was wayyy before Sam. My immediate response was "Did you mention me?" hahahaha anyway the point is, is that Kenzie was my Evan discussing buddy.

(The pictures i put up were both taken with the purpose to get Evan in the background)

"Oh i do love you though!"

I would have to say usually i hate my iPhone but one thing about it is, is that it keeps all of my text i have with everyone. I never have to delete text to clear memory. I happen to have all of my text with Makenzie since October 7th, 2008. Sometimes i accidentally click clear all. That is what happened that on October 7th. Luckily i have my very last text with Makenzie.

On June 2nd i was watching movies at Nancy's house. One downside about the iPhone is that it always calls people without me knowing so people will call me back saying "You called me"? and i am like"I don't think so". Anyway, that night my phone decided to call makenzie and David. Makenzie didn't answer the phone because apparently she was watching an intense movie at her house. I told her i accidentally called her and she replied with "Oh lovely =] lol. i thought you just called to tell me you loved me... lol. I didn't respond. I never respond to text that don't require me to text back. The next morning when i woke up.. Or afternoon i guess. I looked through my text that i had received over the night. Makenzie's text still had a green circle by it meaning i hadn't actually gone to our text conversation. I decided to reply for some reason. I have no idea why. I never do that. I am SOOOO THANKFULLLLLL!!!! My last text to her as you can see was on the day she passed away and it said "oh i do love you though!"...... How did i manage to be that lucky?!?! How come i was able to have that as my very last text?!? I compare myself to Emilie and Nancy. Nancy was grounded at the time and wasn't allowed to have her phone so she didn't have a last text. Emilie's last text was something about the SAT. How did i manage to be soooo lucky!! I wish Emilie and Nancy were both as lucky as i was and had the same last text as me. Kenzie knew Emilie, Nancy and I loved her anyway and we knew she loved us but I have it written out!! Somehow it brings comfort to me. Before she passed away "I love you" was the very last thing i said to her. Even though Makenzie didn't respond with a "I love you" back i still know she loved me. And more importantly she knew i loved her.

Locker 199

Boys LIVED around Makenzie's locker. It was almost annoying because guys would be standing in front of Nancy, Emilie's and my locker.. When i approached my locker i would see a semi circle of guys around her. In the center of this circle was Geo. Geo was always at locker #199. He might as well have had a bed there. Sometimes Makenzie would joyfully come to me saying Geo left me this is my locker. I never knew what it was going to be. Some days it was a sandwich other days it could be a play dough flower and someday's it just might be trash. The thing about Makenzie's locker was that it didn't lock. Anyone had access to Makenzie's locker if they wanted to.

Geo would ask her out almost every week and Kenzie would reply with a "no". After

recieveing a no a few times Geo and Makenzie made a game of this. Geo would say will you go out with me? Makenzie would reply "no". This was never a solid firm no. It was a cutesy no. Also, boys would just randomly come up to her and annoy her.... in a flirty way. Not a mean way. A lot of times it might be slamming her locker closed while she was still using it or sometimes it would be knocking her books to the ground and other times pulling her hair. She would reply back to them with a "Stop it". Once again... this was not a stern stop it. It was a cutesy stop it. She would come to Nancy, Emilie and I saying how the boys annoyed her so much. We 3 secretly knew she also enjoyed this at the same time. After hearing her tell the boys "stop it" so much i decided I needed to teach her how to say Stop it and mean it. This didn't work well. Every time she would put this innocent face on and say "stop it" and then start laughing. It would always sound sarcastic. Emilie and Nancy then began helping me

on the so called "Stop it lessons". After a few weeks of making fun of her and several random lessons in the hallway we just gave up. Makenzie was to cutesy and all the guys took it as being flirty. This was one thing that made her get "The most flirtatious" award. I specifically remember her coming up to me and saying " i can't believe i got this! It's so untrue! What is my dad going to say?". We just made fun of her.... Honestly i don't think she was ever trying to flirt. It was just her way of speaking and acting. Makenzie was just not capable of hurting people's feelings. She was to cutesy!

As much as i used to get annoyed with the pile up of boys in front of our lockers it's weird not having anyone piled in front of our lockers now.

Sharpies

One thing i remember very clearly about Makenzie was that if she was doing anything school related she would have her ring of sharpies with her.. The key ring sharpies that are about half the length of a real sharpie. She became the girl everyone went to for their sharpie needs. One day i told her i would buy her some more. I went to office depot and that day i ended up buying an entire pack for me and one single highlighter one for her. I never realized how expensive they were. Anyway, we both now had sharpie key rings and we sat together the first day i brought mine to school and compared the colors of our sharpies with each other. Within the next few weeks of school we both became confused. These sharpies pop off the key ring and then you lock them back in. We no longer knew whose were whose and i KNOW Makenzie had a few of mine on her little keyring. I went home and hot glued all of mine to their tops so they wouldn't come off my keyring. This was pretty successful. Makenzie also went home and glued hers after a few more weeks. I remember sitting in Physics beside her and she pulled out her keyring and said" Look katie! I glued all of my sharpies in and they are in so tight you can't pull them out!" She begins trying to separate the tops from the cap. She hands them to me to try and i immediately pull one off. She sits and makes a frowny face while i continue pulling them off demonstrating my strength. After i pulled about 3 off she said "STOP" and took them away. She loved those sharpies though. We used them for everything. When we had our little study groups together for Psychology we would sit in my family room upstairs and take turns using each others sharpies to make our notecards the most colorful. I know for a fact that some of the sharpies on my keyring are hers and some on hers are mine. I miss my sharpie buddy =[

"Pew Diving"

Today, facebook updated me saying Sherohman had added a new picture of Makenzie. I went to see it and it was a picture of her and Annsley making weird faces. It made me think of other choir memories i had with Makenzie that i really didn't remember until today. I remember one specific event that Kenzie and I had a blast and we both ended up injured.

Our Sophomore year Sherohman took us to his church to rehearse before a concert. This was always an exciting day because we would get Jason Deli delivered to us in a box. Anyway, while on our break Kenzie and I created a new form of entertainment. We called it "Pew diving". (When i think about this now i think this was a little disrespectful). But we

would take a running leap and slide down the pew on our stomachs and see who could get farther. Sometimes our shirts would slide up a little bit and we would get rubbed and turn red and end up with a bruise. Anyway, Sherohman ruined our fun after about 10 mins and made us stop. But you can just imagine Kenzie and I taking running leaps into the pews and laughing at the top of our lungs. Sadly, i don't have any pictures of us doing this. One other thing i remember about this day was how fascinated kenzie was by a sparkly gold thing. I don't know the name of it but when she received this gold sparkly thing it became something everyone wanted. Makenzie wanted to wear it as a halo but people kept taking it. This stood out in my mind about that day but i have no idea why.

Swan Lake Dancers

The other day my mom told me of a ballerina that had just been killed in a car accident in North Carolina. I didn't bother looking it up tonight but the simalarity between Makenzie's and Elena's passion were so closley related.

Elena was 20 and was killed in a car accident. A drunk driver, Raymond Cook (Plastic surgeon) ramed the back of Elena's car at 90 mph. She was susposed to be at a performace of Swan Lake that

night. Makenzie had also been a performace of Swan Lake

here in Texas. As i read some of the dancers thoughts about Elena it reminds exactly of Makenzie's friends at RAFA and what they have said. Elena's artistic director said "They've rallied together

in their grief, comforting each other. The ballet company's like a family anyway. I think we've become a much closer family after this last week."
I feel for her family so much. After understanding how much people miss Makenzie at RAFA i understand how much people miss Elena at her dance studio. Her story made me cry. I assume mainly because i relate it all to Makenzie. God has some of the best ballet dancers performing for him now. I hope he is enjoying every moment of it.

It's my life

As I sit in the car on my way to Austin I tortured my mom by plugging my iPod in into the cars auxiliary port. The song “It’s my Life” by Bon Jovi came on. It used to always remind me of camp in West Virginia since it was overplayed in the cafeteria. Now this song sparks a new thought, Makenzie. One of the verses says “Its my life, it’s now or never, I just want to live while I’m alive. It’s my life”. If I could think of anyone who enjoyed life as much as possible it would be Makenzie. It was very rare I would ever see Makenzie in a bad mood. I can actually only think of one time and that’s when I kept asking her for help on webworks and she got fed up. She was always upbeat and if you needed someone to cheer you up, Makenzie would come to mind. While Nancy, Emilie, and I walk down the hall we would end up just going to class without her. She would hug everyone in her path or just stop for a quick chat. Her outlook on life was amazing. It was easy to buy a present for her because she appreciated anything you gave her. Food was her favorite though. I almost would say Makenzie was like a 5 year old. Everything she saw she looked at as if she was amazed. She would just look at whatever it might be with her massive green eyes as opened as wide as they could get. (This was quite big). Whatever it was she would say, “That is so cool”. One specific example I remember was looking at dry ice in Mr. Mag’s room. It sat on her desk while she stared. The ice would spin around with her not even touching it. She loved it.

She was someone you would want to be around because her optimistic personality would cheer you up. I truly believe that God gave Makenzie the ability to get as much happiness and enjoyment out of life as she could with her short time on this earth. I only wish I could get as much enjoyment out of life everyday as she did.

Carolina Creek

On saturday of last week our class went to Carolina Creek Christian Camp. I was very excited because i knew the Stockers were coming to talk. didn't know just how hard it was going to be for me though. Makenzie was in my group along with David. We were the yellow group. So many things there triggered memories. My bed for example. Kenzie slept on top of me in the bunk beds. I loved scaring her in the morning by using my feet and pushing up her mattress. She hated that. Also, at night we would flip ourselves upside down on my bed together and put our feet on the top of the bunk.. It would restrict our vocal cords and we would lie there making weird noises. I know i have a video but i can't find it anywhere. Going to Key Note there was hard too. Kenzie knew all of the songs and would sing right beside me. I felt strange not having her there telling me to sing with her and play the games like "Man, Gun, Gorilla". She went on the zip line with me and while we sat at the top we freaked out about bee's being everywhere! My shoulder also gave me trouble while i was there so she massaged my shoulder all the time. She gave me her hot and cold gel stuff to put on it. It helped. She kept it with her in her dance bag. By the time i went home i actually had a bruise on my shoulder from all the rubbing!!! I think the bruising was mainly me trying to massage it myself but still.. On Sunday night this time around the Stockers came and talked to our class. Most everyone was in tears. Pastor Todd and Mrs. Stocker gave many of the details of the accident others didn't know which shocked some people. It shocked me the first time they told Nancy and I. It was a very hard trip but i enjoyed it and i knew Kenzie would have loved it too! While Emilie and I stuck around to talk to the Stockers after they finished speaking Emilie hugged Mrs. Stocker and said how the smell was comforting. Em was right. When i hugged her she smelt almost exactly like Makenzie did. It might have just been the laundry detergent they use but whatever it was... it was comforting.

Hair Volcano

If you are a senior at LSA you will know what i am talking about. Makenzie loved my hair. It was easy to blame it on her if my hair looked bad. "Oh Makenzie got to it" or "Makenzie was making volcanos with my hair". Every class i had with her she would sit directly behind me.. For what i believe was because of my hair. In my yearbooks i read "Katie i love you and your lucious locks". In class she would sit there and pick my hair apart. Every curl and every peice seperated from the rest. Somedays i would say no. I have tutoring after school or no because I am not going home right away. When she was done my hair would be massive. I clearly remember a moment in Psychology where she never took my hair out of the pony tail and picked it apart. Mrs. Brehmer wasn't paying attention and in the middle of class she looked at me and was like "What is Kenzie doing to you"? The class everyday would watch Makenzie as she slowly turned my hair into a monster. She would hold it all together and release it and say LOOK IT'S A VOLCANO! The last memory i have of her playing with my hair was in Mr. Robbins class. The last bible study we had together junior year. We sat there watching Bye Bye Birdie and Makenzie did her normal thing and made my hair massive. Makenzie would ask me" Does this feel good katie? Because i love playing with your hair. It's calming". Mr. Robbins would look and laugh. People would stare at me. Next period we had Physics and as we left the room i said Kenzie you are responsible for my hair's current state! She finally decided she would do something with it.. The result was a massive top knot. I quickly took it down and then Brandi attempted to do my hair.Also, she was the only one who has ever been capable of french braiding my hair. She was very proud of this fact too. Any picture you see of me with my hair in a french braid you can be sure to say Makenzie got to my hair. One time she even braided it dry. She was soooo proud.Today while i sat in Bible Study Jenna played with my hair. Really everyone messes with my hair if i sit in front of them but now it just reminds me of Kenzie. I don't say anything because i don't mind but all i think about is Makenzie.

Obsessed? No... just missing her

So first off i am gonna say i am a terrible writer and i am not gonna worry about my grammer and such because it will just make me not want to write. I don't want to write anything down because i hate handwriting things soooo yeah..

I have tried several ways of coping i guess you could say with the loss of Kenz. Most of the things i do involve putting pictures together of her or getting memories together. I don't put many things up on facebook because it seems like i am the most depressed person ever and obsessed with Mak. It's my form of coping and i am doing okay.. Well at least better. I cry at least every other night but the period of time is much shorter then it used to be. I also get upset easily at the mention of her name at school.. It's almost like i want everyone to keep talking about her forever. I don't want her to be forgotten and i want to act like she is here but at the same time i want people to just stop talking about her around me.. I don't enjoy crying in front of others and somehow Nancy and Emilie manage to hold it together better then me.. They just look really sad while i sit there with tears rolling down my face.. Anyway, enough about me.

I think of new memories and thoughts everyday and i don't want to forget them so i decided to write once in a while on here.

1) Anyways the most recent thing i remembered was lunch time.. New memories make me really happy and i remembered this one yesterday. Some days she would buy a water bottle and buy that powder you poor in it like ummm.. pink lemonade? Well she found it very interesting pouring it in. She would make Nancy, Emilie, and I watch it. As she poured the pink powder in it would resemble a mushroom cloud as it entered the water... nancy, em and i never understood why this was so exciting but we didn't say anything.. Well we might have made fun of her once or twice. =] Also, she wouldn't drink the water until every little clump of powder at the bottom of the bottle was broken up... She would shake it for what seemed like a lifetime.. Prbly about a minute or so. She got into it.. I started shaking it for her once but she quickly took it back and began shaking it until her heart was content.

2) I also remembered something David told Kenzie and I. While kenzie was doing ballet moves around the choir i simply just turned and tripped over my bag.. David said you and kenzie are the most opposite people ever. This reminded me of Kenz being told she had to choreography the ballet for me when i played Glinda in the wizard of oz. She quickly realized there was no hope after our first day of practice together. The next thing i knew my ballet was cut.