Makenzie Days

So maybe my makenzie dream wasn’t a good thing. The dream almost is like teasing me. I remember it in such detail that it seems real. The thing bothering me recently was at the time of makenzie death when I thought about memories they didn’t seem like memories. I didn’t know what to call them because memories seemed like the past. Now, all of my makenzie moments are memories and will always be memories. I know I won’t have any new memories to make with her in the future. My dream felt so real it was almost like that to could be a memory. She was grabbing me touching my hand to her arm and telling me that she was here. The dream almost seems like it’s teasing me. I miss her voice I miss her wearing her hair in a French braid and trying to keep it over one shoulder but it wasn’t quite long enough to just stay over her shoulder if she moved her head around.
Last night I had more dreams. Once again I remembered them. Every dream I had… or maybe it was all one dream, involved someone dying. 3 people died and one person was in a head on car accident and was completely brain dead. None of their deaths had anything to do with another. One of the people I didn’t know that died. It was some random LSA graduate but a graduate from the original LSA campus. One of the people that died I am pretty sure I was crying about in my sleep but I am not totally sure. I am not going to say the people that died because that would just be strange. Today was one of those days that I dub my “Makenzie days”. Those are the days that not a minute passes where I am not thinking about her. Usually at the end of my Makenzie days I cry really hard. I went to a movie with my parents today and I was crying during it. The movie didn’t have any relation to Kenzie. Except people kept dying and their were caskets. I know she isn’t here anymore but sometimes it just hits me that my one of my best friends is dead. And when that thought occurs I can’t hold back the tears.
When I got home I went up stairs took a shower and was crying harder this time. I texted Emilie and told her about my dreams last night and told her I was having a hard time at the moment. Now, I have a hard time calling people when I am upset. After the accident I would call Emilie usually. Sometimes Nancy. I feel like I shouldn’t do that anymore. It will just make them upset when they were fine at the moment. I thought about calling my best friends, Maddi from MD tonight. She knows all about Mak.. All of my friends up there do. It was 11 something here and 12 something there. She was asleep and I woke her up =/. Bad thing is, is that my Makenzie moments are usually at night. Ugg I miss Mak.